http://www.wendymogel.com/ en Copyright 2019 2019-08-28T20:23:00+00:00 https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/parents_discussion_guide_the_blessing_of_a_skinned_knee https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/parents_discussion_guide_the_blessing_of_a_skinned_knee#When:16:57:00Z Download as a pdf or a Word document. The Blessing of a Skinned Knee Parenting Group Guide Welcome! This on-line guide was developed to help parents who would like to participate in a parenting class using the concepts in The Blessing of A Skinned Knee as a foundation. There are many ways you can benefit from the ideas in the guide, however, and I invite you to use it for: Book club discussion groups Grade-level parent meetings at your child’s school Faculty in-service workshops Community center or neighborhood parent support groups Individual guidance while reading The Blessing of a Skinned Knee Setting Up A Parenting Class or Discussion Group If you’re interested in gathering a group of parents together to discuss issues of concern, below are some general guidelines you may find useful. Size & Participants Parent groups can range from a minimum of six members for informal parent support groups to up to twenty participants for professionally led parenting classes. With fewer than six members you run the risk that typical rates of attrition, plus one or two parents home with a sick child or a competing commitment, may leave the group with only two members – intimate but without the potential for the same vitality and shared learning that a larger group affords. My favorite group size is twelve. Classes work best when the parents have children in the same age range: early elementary, later elementary, middle school, or high school. When & Where Groups can meet in members’ homes, at synagogue, church or after drop-off or pick-up at school. Weekdays usually work best, but another good option is a Saturday or Sunday morning class that meets while children are in religious school. When possible—for example, if the class is sponsored by a synagogue or school—provision of on-site child care is a wonderful asset and will increase enrollment. Length & Frequency No matter how dedicated and enthusiastic, every group needs ten minutes for the arrival of stragglers and for settling in and warming-up. An hour and forty-five minutes to two hours is an ideal class length. With less time the class is not worth the effort of investing in child care and travel. Weekly meetings for six consecutive weeks work well for parenting classes with a designated leader and structured curriculum. Havurot (family friendship groups) and leaderless support groups often meet less frequently (biweekly or monthly) but continue for months or even years. I led one group that lasted for two years. My colleague, parent educator Marilyn Brown, has a continuously running class that began with mothers of new babies and toddlers and now consists of mothers of pre-teens. Rules For Parenting Groups No one would want to attend a parenting class that followed Roberts Rules of Order, but some guidelines for conduct and attendance will help things to run smoothly. During the first meeting, the group can decide whether or not a set of explicit guidelines is needed. Here are some rules other groups have adopted: Meeting times will be established during the first meeting and won’t be changed to accommodate the schedules of individual group members. No taping of the group for spouse or friends. Each group member is obligated to call if they are unable to attend and to leave a message with the leader or designated person in charge of organizational details. Since latecomers distract others, everyone will make the commitment to arrive on time. For classes held at the school attended by the children: the topics of the administration, teachers, and curriculum are off limits. Maimonides teaches us to rebuke and at the same time to elevate. Translated to parenting class etiquette, this means that we phrase comments in positive terms, do not criticize one another, and respect opinions that diverge from our own. Parents agree to keep what is said in the group confidential. Confessions, harangues and problems will not be repeated outside of the group. No one should be pressured to reveal anything about themselves or their family if they choose not to. If group members are responding to questions “around the table,” any member can decline to speak by saying, “I pass.” What Can You Expect From A Jewish Parenting Group? Martin Luther King, Jr. described the goal of his ministry as comforting the disturbed and disturbing the comfortable. A Jewish parenting class should also accomplish these goals. A Jewish parenting class examines the everyday challenges of child rearing from the perspective of the beit din (the ancient court of Jewish law). Every decision we make as parents has not only psychological dimensions but moral, ethical, and spiritual ones as well. Using a Jewish perspective to understand parenting problems gives us a long view and reveals the underpinnings of the problem, not just the surface cuts and scratches. In a Jewish parenting class, the goal is not to put a Band-Aid on the current difficulty—to simply comfort the disturbed—but to stretch ourselves by learning basic Jewish principles of living. You can expect to leave a Jewish parenting class with: A deeper understanding of Jewish thought Insight gained about your individual child: his or her temperament, natural endowments, interests, and inclinations Resources for finding basic information about different stages of your child’s social development An understanding about how certain aspects of our culture impede parents who are trying to raise self-reliant, compassionate, optimistic children Guidelines about defining appropriate expectations for children Insights about how your own psychological needs may be hampering your child’s growth A good Jewish parenting class is profound but never solemn or staid. Pilpul (from the Hebrew, “pepper”) is a dialectical method of Talmudic study and debate, consisting of drawing out the broadest range of logical possibilities in the text. The purpose of pilpul is both to deepen the participants’ understanding of the applications of the law and to sharpen their wits. Disagreements, laughter, tragic stories, laughter, juicy stories, laughter, teasing and tenderness — a good Jewish parenting class is peppery. CURRICULUM FOR A SIX SESSION PARENTING CLASS Each class has: a central topic one or two chapters of required reading to be completed before the class a reflection assignment to be thought about before the class a quote or quotes of the day to be written on a board or read aloud before each class a list of discussion questions that will be handed out at the beginning of each class Each member can download or photocopy this entire guide and review the reflection and discussion questions before each class. I’ve intentionally provided more questions than even the most ambitious and organized group can cover in a two-hour class. The leader or group members can select from among the questions listed based on each particular groups’ interests and concerns. Name tags should be provided for all participants for each session. SESSION ONE Topic Helping our children realize their potential without creating stress. Reading Assignment Chapter 1. How I Lost One Faith and Found Another Chapter 2. The Blessing of Acceptance: Discovering Your Unique and Ordinary Child Reflection Assignment Look at a photo album with pictures of you when you were your child’s age. Try to recall your natural interests and passions at that time. Think about how the expectations of your family and the environment you were living in helped these inclinations flourish or wither. Quotes of the Day “If your child has a talent to be a baker, do not ask him to be a doctor.” (Hasidic) “When I reach the world to come, God will not ask me why I wasn’t more like Moses. He will ask me why I wasn’t more like Zusya.” (Early Hasidic leader, Rabbi Zusya) Begin the first class with introductions around the table. Participants should tell the names, ages, and grades of their children and mention any topic they hope to cover in the course of the six meetings. Discussion Questions Think about your child’s talents, inclinations, passions? How would you describe his nature? Is he like you? Different in tempo, interests, volatility? What opportunities does he have to express his natural inclinations? Are there telltale signs (bedwetting, fears, apathy, irritability, sleeplessness, nail chewing, hair-pulling) that you may be pressuring your child to achieve at a high level in areas in which she is not endowed? Reflect on whether you are accepting “good enough” or looking for perfection from your child? From yourself as a parent? Think of a family where the kids have turned out well. Ask them for guidance about their expectations (for grades, for music practicing, for help around the house) of their children. Share what you learn with the group. Share strategies you’ve used for resisting the “flu bug” of competition with other group members. SESSION TWO Topic Granting our children freedom: Where do wise parents draw the line? Reading Assignment Chapter 3. The Blessing of Having Someone To Look Up To: Honoring Mother and Father Chapter 4. The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Why God Doesn’t Want You to Overprotect Your Child Reflection Assignment When you were growing-up how did you address your parents and their friends? How did you address teachers? If you were required to be more formal than your children are, what were the advantages and disadvantages? Think back to your childhood. On a summer night, were you able to play outside until dark without adult supervision? Could you ride your bike freely in your neighborhood? Recall the bones you broke, the adventures you had. What were the benefits of this degree of freedom? Any harm? Compare your experiences to your child’s current level of freedom. Quotes of the Day “When a person honors the parents, God says, ‘I consider it as though I lived with them and they honored me.’”(Talmud, Kiddushin, 30b) “Do not to put a stumbling block before the blind.” (Leviticus,19:14) Discussion Questions Take an inventory of honor by asking yourself these questions: Do you allow your children to interrupt you when you are on the phone? Do you have a designated place at the dinner table? Do the children sit in your place? Do your children consistently contradict you? Do they talk back to you in public? Do you give your children enough opportunities to help out? To demonstrate thoughtfulness? To take care of you? Do they respect your privacy? Do they enter your room or take your things without asking? Do your older children commandeer the remote? Tie up the phone line? Forget to give you phone messages they have taken? What are your family’s rules of hakhnasat orchim (hospitality to guests and playdates)? Compare your ideal to your real situation. Do you set an example in the way you treat your own parents? Share strategies around the table for combating rude talk and entitlement. Share consequences and rewards that have been effective. What creative ways have group members found to give children freedom while still keeping them safe? SESSION THREE Topic Giving and receiving. Reading Assignment Chapter 5. The Blessing of Longing: Teaching Your Child an Attitude of Gratitude Chapter 6. The Blessing of Work: Finding the Holy Sparks in Ordinary Chores Reflection Assignment When you were growing up, did you have as much stuff, clothes, books, vehicles, athletic equipment, and toys as your children do? Was the stuff in as many places in the house? Did your family try to repair things before replacing them? If yes, what lessons did this teach you? What chores did you do? How did you help your parents in other ways? What did you learn from having these responsibilities? What did you sacrifice? Quotes of the Day “He who has one hundred wants two hundred.” (Jewish saying) “Slavery is responsibility without authority.” (British psychoanalyst, W.R.Bion) Discussion Questions and Activities Make a list of those things you believe your child is entitled to and those that are privileges to be earned. Compare lists with other group members. Does your family have a ritual for expressing gratitude? Do you let your children know what makes you grateful towards them? Do you frequently lift your spirit by going shopping? How often do you buy something and then regret it or find you already have the same or a similar thing at home? Does your child know which charities to which you contribute? Does she know why you’ve chosen them? What chores does your child do daily? Weekly? Do you need to nag or remind? What methods have group members found to encourage their children to take initiative about helping out at home? SESSION FOUR Topic Discipline. Reading Assignment Chapter 8. The Blessing of Self-Control: Channeling Your Child’s Yetzer Hara Reflection Assignment Take a moment to think about the way your parents disciplined you. Were they laissez faire parents? Guilt inducing? Overcontrolling? Trial and error? What aspects of their techniques of discipline were constructive and helped you develop self-control and a sense of security? What aspects caused you to feel anxious or rejected? Quotes of the Day “Be it ever your way to thrust your child off with the left hand and draw him to you with the right hand.” (Talmud, Sotah 47z) “What is the normal child like? Does he just eat and grow and smile sweetly? No, that is not what he is like. A normal child, if he has the confidence of his mother and father, pulls out all the stops. In the course of time he tries out his powers to disrupt, to destroy, to frighten, to wear down, to waste, to wangle and to appropriate. Everything that takes people to the courts (or to the asylums for that matter) has its normal equivalent in infancy and childhood, in the relation of the child to his own home.” (Pediatrician and psychoanalyst, D.W. Winnicott) Discussion Questions Think of your child’s worst trait: anything from a little annoying habit or attitude to a big problem that has his teachers exasperated or deeply concerned. Then reframe it—think of this trait as your child’s greatest strength. What are the good aspects of the trait? How might it benefit your child now and in adulthood? Ask yourself which aspects of your child’s environment are obstacles to this trait being expressed positively: An overly busy schedule? Inappropriate expectations for school performance? Sleep deprivation? Poor organization of his room, desk, supplies? School work that is too difficult? Too easy? Not enough playtime or downtime? Examine your discipline strategy: Are you pumping up small problems? Being inconsistent? Making empty threats? Sticking with an ineffective approach? Share strategies with other group members for consequences for misbehavior and rewards for compliance and good attitude. SESSION FIVE Topic Food and eating. Reading Assignment Chapter 7. The Blessing of Food: Bringing Moderation, Celebration and Sanctification to Your Table Quotes of the Day “The Jewish mother betrays an unusual amount of concern about the problem of feeding her children. In general, she should stop worrying so much about how much they eat and what they wear.”  (A 1923 article in the Froyen Zhurnal, a Yiddish advice magazine for newly arrived immigrants) “Since the destruction of the Temple, every table in every home has become an altar.” (Talmud, Pesachim 4b) Reflection Activity What are your most pleasant childhood memories of the tastes, smells and presentation of food? What were your holiday food rituals? What are your least pleasant memories of food tensions or battles with your family? Discussion Questions Explore the attitudes towards food that you bring from your childhood. Did you grow up with destructive attitudes that you don’t want to pass along to your children? Are there memories you wish to preserve? Take an inventory of the example you set for your children. Do you eat leftovers from their plates? Do you eat standing up in front of the pantry where the crackers and cookies are kept? Do you frequently eat in the car? Are you so afraid of having fats and sugar in the house that you deprive the children of a normal range of foods? What are your children’s’ favorite foods? Do they know what foods you love? Are you teaching them how to cook? SESSION SIX Topic What are our goals in raising our children? Reading Assignment Chapter 9. The Blessing of Time: Teaching Your Child the Value of the Present Moment Chapter 10. The Blessing of Faith and Tradition: Losing Your Fear of the “G Word” and Introducing your Child to Spirituality Quote of the Day “If you truly wish your children to study Torah, study it yourself in their presence. They will follow your example. Otherwise they will not themselves study Torah, but will simply instruct their children to do so.” (Rabbi Menahem Mendel of Kotsk) Reflection Assignment As a child, how much time did you have to daydream and reflect? What activities did your family do together that you enjoyed? What religious education and worship experiences did you have as a child? In what ways did they enrich your life? Did you feel frustrated and oppressed by them? Confused? Discussion Questions Has your home life gotten so pressured that you often prefer to be at work? What would be the obstacles to a “tech free” (no computer, no beeper or cell phone) day of the week at home? What would be the benefits? What aspects of your childhood religion do you want to pass along to your children? A predictable cycle of ritual events and celebrations? A lens on right and wrong, fate and justice? Sounds, odors, tastes, and beautiful images? What was missing from your childhood experience that you would like to provide for your family? Does lack of skill or self-consciousness prevent you from taking part in religious rituals? What obstacles are in the way of finding a community that shares your religious or spiritual beliefs? Geography? Snobbery? Shyness? Finances? Class is over! Say goodbye, trade e-mail addresses, consider continuing your learning as a group by finding a rabbi or Jewish educator to teach you from Jewish texts or plan a parenting book discussion group using the list of recommended readings at the back of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. 2001-07-04T16:57:00+00:00 https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/dax_shepard_had_a_question_for_obama._this_is_what_happened_next_fatherly https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/dax_shepard_had_a_question_for_obama._this_is_what_happened_next_fatherly#When:21:21:00Z By Donna FreydkinRead this article on fatherly.com. Fatherly April 10, 2021 Dax Shepard Had a Question for Obama. This Is What Happened Next Kristen Bell’s better half talks about his new parenting podcast, and why he never makes empty threats. By Donna Freydkin Recently, Dax Shepard was invited to ask President Barack Obama a question on his podcast, Renegades. Shepard, himself the creator and host of the long-form Armchair Expert podcast, was stoked. His actual query really makes no difference, because here’s the answer he got from #44: “Dax, I’ve got to give a shoutout to your wife because I love The Good Place. We all enjoy that show a lot. Excellent.” Shepard’s response: Resigned, bemused acceptance. It’s pretty much par for the course when you’re married to America’s national parenting treasure and voice of Anna: Kristen Bell. “In keeping with the pattern of Kristen and I’s life — I had 16 years of sobriety, but she wrote a beautiful note on Instagram congratulating me and her congratulation of me became a news story everywhere. And I was like, ‘Look at you girl, you’re getting all the credit for my 16 years of sobriety,’” he tells Fatherly. “And then once again I was told, ‘Hey, if you ask the president a question, he’s going to read it on his thing.’ I was so excited. This was amazing. Maybe this is going to open up the door to him being on Armchair, blah, blah, blah. I’m writing this beautiful story about my life in my head because he knows who I am. And immediately he talks about Kristen and I think forgot the question I asked and answered maybe a slightly different question. This is perfect. I love it. This is exactly how it should be.” Shepard, who has two daughters with Bell, recently launched a subreddit of his podcast, as it were, called Nurture vs. Nurture with Dr. Wendy Mogel, a practicing clinical psychologist in Los Angeles and the author of multiple parenting books, including The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. Shepard and Mogel spoke to Fatherly about living in the moment, letting kids know about consequences, and never making empty threats. So nice to meet you, Wendy, and great to see you again, Dax. My child is perfect, so I have no questions for you. But on behalf of other parents, what are the most common mistakes you seem them making? Mogel: The number one mistake for all parents of kids of every age, and that certainly applies to the little ones, is both a combination of making empty threats and not doing things on the children’s actual timetable. So toddlers are wildly enchanted with every visual, every texture, every new creature, every animal, every person who comes into their line of sight. Parents need to give them enough time to both processes and enjoy all the things that are happening to all five of their senses. Parents also rush them around so they get over-tired and irritable. And then parents echo back the irritability and everybody kind of melts into a little puddle. Dax, having talked to you and Kristen in the past, I know you’re the, shall we say, tougher parent. How do you follow through on threats? Shepard: Unfortunately I have taken on the role of the threat keeper, which is not the fun role to have. I would argue, though, that I get bothered less. My mother was real big on the fact that you can ask me once. And then when I tell you the answer, that that’ll be the answer, and I will not respond again. And I inherited that technique where: I’ve told you what the answer is and we don’t beg in this family. You have to put some time into what the consequences are going to be. You’re not going to take away their TV for a week. That doesn’t mean anything to them right now. I think you need to have in your quiver realistic things — so you can uphold threats that will actually work and that aren’t going to punish you. Taking away their TV for a week — that’s punishment for you. That means you’re not going to have any time for yourself. So congratulations. So how do you come up with realistic consequences? Shepard: I try to make them as immediate as possible. I know what’s coming, I’m not an idiot, it’s bedtime, so it’s going to be impossible to get them to brush their teeth. And I know that. So I start with, ‘If you guys want to watch TV for five more minutes, I want your teeth brushed.’ I just try to make it as immediate in their life as possible, and not global. Mogel: I want to say something about the concept of time. Let’s say a five-year-old, they’ve only had five summers. We’ve had a lot more summers. So when you say things like I’m going to take it away for a week, it sounds to them like I’m taking it away forever or for a couple of years. And so it makes sense to us and it’s logical if not impractical, but for children, it doesn’t have impact. Wendy, what about manners? Kids are brutally honest, with emphasis on brutal. Mogel: I use the term ‘butler lies’ because we definitely want to teach kids about white lies and protecting people’s feelings, and empathy. And we don’t want to lean too hard in on self-expression because then they won’t have any friends and their teachers won’t like them in school and they won’t get hired for a job, no matter how talented they are. So this is code-switching and they need to do it all the time. When you talk to people, imagine hearing something like that, then you’ve got to just ask yourself, is this something that would make you sad or happy? And is it worth making them sad? If you tell someone they’re short, you’re free to do it. But imagine that it’s probably going to make them feel sad. Shepard:  I had one of my top three happiest moments that I’ve had as a parent last week. We were in Hawaii and we were at a restaurant and someone was playing music, really beautiful, beautiful music. And my daughter wanted to go look and see the musician. So she goes downstairs, she comes back up and I say, ‘What did he look like?’ And she goes, ‘I don’t want to describe what he looks like. I think he’s a really nice person.’ I could tell, she knew it would be mean to describe how this person looked. She just said, ‘I choose not to describe him. I just think he was a nice person.’ I was like, ‘She’s so much better than I am.’ Mogel: She has already learned what we’re all supposed to be learning now, which is you do not mention race unless it’s relevant and important in the information you’re communicating. It’s the kind of education we’re getting along with our children right now. So I don’t know what she saw or what she thought, but she knew it was not relevant to the quality of his music. And she was educating you, Dax, about a certain kind of respectful discernment and what’s important and what’s not important. And to her, the quality and the craftsmanship and the beauty of the music was what she went by. Dax, is Wendy your go-to child whisperer now? Do you hit her up for parenting advice on the regular? Dax: It’s way worse than that. It’s way more Machiavellian. So if I hear an episode of her podcast that I think supports an argument we’ve been having, I recommend Kristen listen to that episode. And then the ones where Kristen’s point of view is confirmed, I don’t advise her to listen to those ones.  I always hear Wendy’s voice in my head when I’m starting to spin out that something is becoming an issue that I need to confront and solve in the next week. So on the same trip, there were two days where my daughter was not social. Didn’t want to play with all the kids. There were nine other kids there. All the other kids seem to be playing just fine. And she just wanted to be with me and I’m like, ‘Oh my God, is she having a problem being social?’ That’s when Wendy’s voice comes in. It’s like, who gives a shit — enjoy this day. She wants to be with you instead of the other kids. Because there’s going to be mostly days where she doesn’t want to be with me and I’m not gonna give it any energy. Like it is what it is today. And I haven’t told her, I don’t love her. So we’re good. Mogel: We’re sizing up every moment. There are children she could be playing with and getting social. And here she was with her dad on a tropical island. And what a treat to spend time with him when he was not filled with the kind of obligations or distractions or preoccupations that he has at home, for example. So how astute of her to figure out: I get to spend a day with this guy. I could be with those kids at any time. Dax: Yeah, we had no mom too. I wasn’t even competing with Kristen. Press, 2021-04-30T21:21:00+00:00 https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/a_jewish_psychologists_most_helpful_tips_for_talking_to_kids_about_illness https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/a_jewish_psychologists_most_helpful_tips_for_talking_to_kids_about_illness#When:21:49:00Z Read this article on the Reform Judaism website. REFORM JUDAISM Spring 2020 A Jewish Psychologist’s Most Helpful Tips for Talking to Kids about Illness By Dr. Wendy Mogel Children are brilliant at picking up nonverbal cues, which means that when a serious illness strikes within your family circle, they’re likely to sense – from the change in your mood and whispered conversations – that something is not right. If children smell a lie or a cover up, or suspect that you are not answering them straight, they will allow their imaginations to fill in the blanks with scary scenarios that may be more terrifying than the reality. Don’t be tempted to conceal the truth – but do be prepared to talk about it in an age-appropriate way. Because children imagine that they have outsized powers, including the ability to cause a loved one’s illness, parents need to gently inquire whether they are feeling responsible or guilty and assure them of their innocence. Here are a few things to keep in mind when you speak to your child about what’s happening. 1. Prepare in advance. If your loved one is sick as a result of the coronavirus pandemic, it may be helpful to read “A Jewish Psychologist’s Guidance for Talking About Coronavirus with Kids” and “How to Talk to Kids about Bad Things Happening in the World,” along with similar resources. 2. Set the tone for the conversation. When initiating a difficult adult-child conversation, first try to choose a relaxed time, then do the following: take a breath; use a calm tone of voice (the melody here is more important than the lyrics); and get to the child’s eye level. 3. Be direct. It takes courage to convey a difficult message to a child in a simple and direct way, like “Daddy is very sick.” Too often, parents instead deliver a rehearsed speech in which the facts are smothered in a layer of protective emotional padding, like “I promise he’ll be as good as new really soon, sweetheart.” Try to balance their fear with hope, by saying something like, “I know it’s scary, but we are very hopeful that he will get better.” 4. Keep your message short, simple, and respectful. Children have short attention spans, so don’t barrage them with too much information at once. Gently inquire about out what they know, or think they know, and correct any misperceptions. Use language they can understand and speak in a patient and respectful way so that they feel comfortable coming back for more information. And remember: Children are naturally curious. Once the conversation gets going, expect many questions – for example, “Why is it called COVID-19?” (The simple answer there is, “The ‘co’ comes from ‘Corona’ which means ‘crown’; the ‘v’ stands for virus; the ‘d’ is for ‘disease,’ and the ‘19’ is 2019, the year the outbreak started.”) 5. Provide reassurance. Conclude the conversation by describing how the situation will impact their daily routine, assuring them that much will stay the same – then try to maintain your child’s usual routines as much as possible. 6. Remember that children respond differently than do adults to a family crisis. Children are naturally egocentric and experience news from the perspective of how it will affect them personally. For example, upon hearing that little brother needs an operation, you might expect little sister to respond, “Will he be OK?” but instead she says, “But I’ll still be able to go to Sophie’s birthday party, right?” Similarly, don’t be surprised if, upon hearing the news, your son keeps right on practicing ollies on his skateboard. That does not mean he is unconcerned or lacks empathy; he may be just signaling that he’s not yet ready to talk about it. If what comes out of your child’s mouth seems heartless – or if they don’t initially say much at all – don’t be surprised, and don’t overreact. The child’s concern will manifest itself when the child is ready. 7. Teach the Jewish value of bikur cholim (visiting the sick). Children are passionate, enthusiastic, comical, and beautiful to behold, with a unique ability to lift a patient’s spirits with a visit (whether in-person or virtually). Don’t deny them the opportunity to practice the Jewish mitzvah (commandment) of bikur cholim (visiting the sick). These helpful videos and discussion guides can prepare parents to talk to kids about why, exactly, it’s so important – and so Jewish. 8. Invite children to be helpful. When dealing with illness, a main cause of anxiety and depression for patients as well as those who love them, is the feeling of a loss of control – and the same is true for children. The way to counteract helplessness is by being helpful. Parents can lift a child’s spirits by giving her ways to feel in control; for instance, by helping to care for the patient or assisting with household chores. If you want to give your child a sense of agency, the way you ask is helpful. Instead of saying, “I can really use your help right now,” you might say, “Hmm. I’m wondering what we could do to cheer up Grandma when we do FaceTime with her this afternoon. Any ideas?” Or a parent could say something like, “If we want to cheer up Daddy without going into his bedroom, maybe we could slip a note or a drawing under the door, or hold up a message on a stick outside his window. What do you think?” Children have the power to lift our spirits during a health crisis. The love they share can bring joy to the person who is ill while rewarding your child, too, with the inherent joy of engaging in a loving act of healing. 2020-05-13T21:49:00+00:00 https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/a_jewish_psychologists_guidance_for_talking_about_coronavirus_with_kids_reform_judaism https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/a_jewish_psychologists_guidance_for_talking_about_coronavirus_with_kids_reform_judaism#When:21:13:00Z A conversation with parenting expert and bestselling author Dr. Wendy Mogel Read this article on the Reform Judaism website. REFORM JUDAISM Spring 2020 A Jewish Psychologist’s Guidance for Talking About Coronavirus with Kids A conversation with parenting expert and bestselling author Dr. Wendy Mogel By Aron Hirt-Manheimer With schools and office buildings closed amid the COVID-19 pandemic, families are spending more time together than ever, doing everything at home from virtual classes to Shabbat via videoconference. Wendy Mogel, PhD, is a practicing social-clinical psychologist and the author of New York Times bestsellers The Blessing of a Skinned Knee and The Blessing of a B Minus, both about raising resilient children, as well as Voice Lessons for Parents: What to Say, How to Say it, and When to Listen?. She’s also appeared on past episodes of our Jewish parenting podcast, sharing guidance backed by Jewish wisdom. We sat down with Dr. Mogel (remotely, of course) to get some guidance on how families with small children can make the best of their at-home time together. ReformJudaism.org: Let’s try to start on a positive note: What, if any, might be the silver lining of having schoolchildren home for an extended period of time? Dr. Wendy Mogel: In the midst of this health crisis, the good news is that it’s providing many parents with the opportunity to take time to sit and listen to children’s questions, think about the answers, and respond with curiosity and respect. This practice can set a pattern of parents being attentive, receptive, and captivated by what the children are asking – which sure beats what I call “pester-pong,” the pattern of parents pestering kids and kids pestering parents! This is also an opportune time for parents to model g’milut chasadim (acts of caring for others) and kavod habriyot (honoring all human beings). Even though children may be less vulnerable to getting very sick from the virus, they can understand that we are all responsible for protecting those who are more at risk. This is a scary time for us all. What can parents do to comfort and reassure their children? Panicked parents expose children to their fear, to “emotional contagion.” One fix is to follow the potent 12-step program strategy of acting as though you have courage, even when you’re feeling scared and vulnerable. In conversations about tricky topics, the melody is more important than the lyrics: A calm tone is more important then getting every single word right. We can also frame this crisis for children by telling them that they are living through an important time in history. Terrifying events become tales of resilience in children’s books, such as the thrilling “I Survived” series: the sinking of the Titanic, Hurricane Katrina, the attacks of September 11, even the Nazi invasion. Invite children to make a record of their daily experience. Offer to take dictation, helping them create an illustrated, self-authored journal of life during a worldwide pandemic. Then, when their children ask what it was like, they can read their book to them. How can parents inoculate their children, if you will, against emotional contagion? Children often resist listening to what parents say to them directly, but they get very quiet and attentive when listening to the good stuff – conversations among adults. This is important to keep in mind because parents often assume that kids aren’t really listening, when, in reality, what children hear second-hand often leads to misunderstandings and misperceptions that raise their anxiety. I also tell parents to shield children, as much as possible, from broadcast news because media outlets tend to be sensational, which can be very alarming to children. Young children can’t distinguish between reality and fantasy – another reason to stay clear of scary broadcasts. How important is it to be honest with kids about this situation? Not talking to children about the situation only adds to their anxiety, because then their giant imaginations take over. If your child asks about something you’d rather not address directly, try to reframe the question in a way that is appropriate to their level of understanding. There is no single way, for example, to talk to a 6-year-old, typically the age at which you can’t shimmy out of some degree of candor. Consider your child’s temperament: If your 6-year-old is a jittery catastrophizer, you’ll want to find out what their worries are and address them one by one. Other children revel in gory stories and press you for worst-case outcomes, but they too need to be assured that you’ll keep them safe. There’s also great educational material online to help kids better understand what’s happening, including an entertaining and informative comic from NPR about the nature of viruses and how they spread. And finally, children (like all humans) experience the world through their five senses: hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting, and touching. You can comfort them by such activities as playing music or singing with them, baking something together that smells good, giving them a fuzzy blanket, or stroking their heads as they sit in your lap. What are you hearing from parents about having to work at home and spend long hours with kids who would normally be at school? At first, a lot of parents were terrified. Even the parents who are teachers were upset and saying, “I’m a teacher, but not at home with my own kids.” After the initial shock, many parents have started having fun in their new role as teachers. They’re listening to bird songs with their children, finding worms in their backyards, putting on plays, playing board games, making music, cooking and cleaning – all kinds of experiential learning children naturally love to do. It’s also so important to remember to laugh: One Israeli mother shared a now-viral video about the pressures of distance learning and home-based education amid already-trying times. Parents should not feel that they have to be perfect substitutes for professional teachers; let’s reject the nonsensical notion that all the learning your child has ever done at school will evaporate and leave them stunted! Upheavals are nothing new to the Jewish people. What wisdom can we distill from Jewish tradition to help us get through this latest crisis? We just read the Torah portion in the Book of Exodus about the Israelites’ incessant whining about the hardships in the wilderness of Sinai. They asked Moses, “Was it for want of graves in Egypt that you took us to this miserable place?” They even groused about the manna falling from heaven. “Back in Egypt we had cucumbers, melons, onions, and garlic!” After 40 years of being annoying, the Israelites finally reached the Promised Land. We’ve been in the wilderness again and again across time, and I think what has gotten us through it all was our willingness to tolerate each other, coupled with a delicious dose of humor. As we confront long days of being cooped up at home with whining kids, let’s take every opportunity to laugh and to love. Press, 2020-05-13T21:13:00+00:00 https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/talking_to_children_about_job_loss_during_the_pandemic https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/talking_to_children_about_job_loss_during_the_pandemic#When:20:50:00Z Read this article on the New York Times website. NEW YORK TIMES May 8, 2020 Talking to Children About Job Loss During the Pandemic How parents can be honest with children about financial stresses while avoiding making them feel too burdened. By Wendy Mogel Even as some states are reopening, many parents face telling their children that things they were looking forward to are effectively still canceled for them — because they can no longer afford them. Economic distress from the pandemic is widespread, and many experts expect it will be long-lasting. The Labor Department reported on Friday that more than 20.5 million people in the United States lost their jobs in April, and the unemployment rate went to 14.7 percent. As a psychologist and author of parenting books living in Los Angeles, many of the clients I counsel are terrified. (Many work in the entertainment industry, and are uncertain of their future; nearly all production except animation is shut down indefinitely.) Parents can try to hide fears about having enough money for rent and food, but children’s eyes and ears are sharp. This is going to require some very difficult family conversations, to help children set new expectations in this new world. Even if camps and restaurants reopen, it could be that your children don’t go to camp and your family can’t go out to eat. How you have these conversations will vary, of course, depending on the age and temperament of the children and on your new economic situation. But I don’t have to tell you that our responsibility, now as always, is to be truthful with our children without scaring them. We have to be cautious about promising children that things are going to get better, instead offering hope that things might get better. I know that one challenge for parents is to find the right language and tone to honestly tell children about the family’s troubles, without burdening them with the responsibility for shoring up the adults. Here’s my advice on how to handle this. Consider your pain and worry first Do not underestimate the unprecedented situation you and the rest of the world are in, and the psychological impact of economic uncertainty. In our consumer economy and cultural moment of competitive self-branding, meeting the basic challenge of stretching the budget and separating what we want (or have been accustomed to) from what we need is hard. When it’s complicated by the psychological loss of a job title and status as a provider, it’s harder. Treat yourself with dignity and respect by noting that you remain a devoted and attentive parent even in this wildly uncharted environment. You may be feeling some combination of bitterness and shame, catastrophizing, terror about prolonged unemployment or worry about falling ill, and a loss of identity if you have lost your job or your partner has. If you’ve retained your health benefits, take advantage of therapy via telemedicine. Or join an online parent support group. Or have a heart-to-heart with your inner critic. Self-blame is seductive because it gives an illusion of control. Where to start If it’s true, reassure your children that you have enough money to pay bills and to buy food and that if you run low, family and friends will help out. If you’re receiving unemployment benefits, job hunting, pivoting your business in a new direction, or taking classes to learn new skills, share some of the details. It will be reassuring for them to know about your resources and plans. Remain calm and curious about their questions. Even if it’s new for you to talk with your children about your financial situation (many parents find this essential topic even trickier than talking about sex) you are laying the foundations of being an “askable” parent. Speak difficult truths When talking to your children, you will need to decide how much to share, depending on your children’s age and ability to absorb bad news and curated for what they need to know. Take a slow breath. Aim for calm, candid and brief. Consider your tone — the melody is more important than the lyrics. You’ve already taught the children about how people adjust to a pandemic — hand-washing and wearing masks help keep us from getting sick. Introducing them to the concept of adjusting to a changed economic reality is another opportunity to teach them about real life. If preschoolers sense that job loss is a secret, their imagination will take over. “Something bad happened to the grown-ups! Something bad will happen to me!” Next, they’re waking up with bad dreams, fearful about being alone in a room, tearful over small frustrations. Allow simple facts to banish the monster under the bed. Tell them you’re not working with the same people or at the same place as you were before and what you’re doing with your time now. Older children will be eager to know how your job loss will affect their lives. “Can we still order dinner? Will I go back to my same school? Will we be homeless soon?” Shrink dramatic predictions with reassurance about what will stay the same, what might change and that you will always share news with them and answer their questions. Don’t overshare or underprepare. Be frank with your teenagers about the family finances in a collegial, we’re-figuring-out-our-next-steps-here manner. Let them surprise you with suggestions for what to do. Don’t demean ideas like “We can start a YouTube channel!” Instead approach their up-to-date take on survival skills with an open mind. Allow your children to grieve. It probably won’t be pretty. Expect tears, confusion or anger among younger kids, and feigned indifference or cold shoulders from older ones. Or the reverse! Remember that heartbreak can sound like entitlement. No summer camp or vacation? You’re likely to hear some version of: “THIS ISN’T HAPPENING! … No way! Not fair! You promised! … Where am I supposed to go all summer? … WHAT do I tell my friends?” As challenging as it may be, try to respect your children’s disappointment without defensiveness. Of course the pandemic wasn’t your fault, but your children may lash out at you. Take it as a good sign. It means that they heard you and trust that you are sturdy enough to be able to absorb their feelings. Resist selling an unconvincing silver lining It’s tempting to patch over the pain with fast talk, spin, bribery, a hard sell of alluring alternatives or wishful crystal ball predictions: Gap year! And then everything back to normal. But next summer you can go to camp for eight weeks! Maybe. The new reality is that we just don’t know. Don’t strip your smart children of dignity with “but, but, but.” Instead, be honest. Promise only what you really can deliver. For example, you might say: Even if camp is open this year, we’re not going to be able to pay for it. But we can definitely pop up the tent in the backyard and sleep out there. Introduce the world through a different lens It’s tempting to find someone to blame. Cynicism about your future prospects, mockery of adult leaders or scapegoating leaves children feeling vulnerable. Instead, this unexpected period could be viewed as an opportunity to teach and be of service. Having a sense of purpose is a powerful antidote to helplessness. It changes our mental channel from troubles, anxiety or self-pity to pride and satisfaction and a connection to the community. Look for ways your children can help others without spending money and while also maintaining social distance: Depending on their age and interests, perhaps they can join a program to be matched with older people as pen pals, volunteer to work on a political campaign or become online tutors to younger kids. Let the children lead The prefrontal cortex, the brain region responsible for foresight, hindsight and impulse control, doesn’t finish developing in girls until their mid-20s and a few years later in boys. So while we analyze, fret and stew, young people hop from anguish to ecstasy: how perfectly the cupcakes turned out, a totally one-of-a kind homemade face mask, a TikTok dance move mastered. Enjoy this small-scale serendipity with them; don’t let the pandemic hijack wonder and delight. It will be good for you too. As adults, moving from macro thinking to micro moments requires intention and self-control. But go outside. Wander around your block and look for beauty. With your child, read the book he or she was assigned for school and gossip about the characters. Speculate about their motives. “I was so surprised when (protagonist made a particular choice); were you?” Take advantage of the privacy you share with your children: Call them affectionate nicknames without the risk of embarrassing them in front of friends, build your store of private jokes. We are making memories for our future selves. Looking forward Explain that as the economy reopens, your situation may change. You may find a new job that will involve a different schedule, and that may affect your children’s routines. There may be a new child care arrangement. As with all difficult topics, this is not a one-time conversation. Your circumstances may change and your children may have new questions. Check in from time to time, and update them if there are developments. In this new reality, you’ll need the whole family to operate as a resilient little team. 2020-05-13T20:50:00+00:00 https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/when_your_tween_wants_to_conform_to_the_vsco_girl_trend_new_york_times https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/when_your_tween_wants_to_conform_to_the_vsco_girl_trend_new_york_times#When:12:00:00Z By Jackie Ashton Read this article on nytimes.com. NEW YORK TIMES November 12, 2019 When Your Tween Wants to Conform to the VSCO Girl Trend How to respect your child’s desire to belong while also teaching her to be an independent thinker. By Jackie Ashton “Can I use my saved allowance to buy a Pura Vida bracelet?” my 12-year-old daughter asked this past August. I didn’t think twice about saying yes. It was $12. But then I learned that these colorful bracelets — made by artisans in Costa Rica — are part of the larger “VSCO girl” trend, an “effortless, beachy” aesthetic popularized on social apps like TikTok. It’s named for the photo editing app VSCO, which rhymes with disco. But it became associated with a style, complete with its own language: “And I oop! Sksksk!” (Translation: “oops” or “oh my God,” depending on context.) Some VSCO Girl signifiers don’t require much shopping — oversize T-shirts, Crocs and hair scrunchies are already part of many tween girls’ wardrobes. But when kids request specific items they’ve never mentioned before, like a Hydro Flask, a reusable metal straw or a shell necklace, they may be trying to copy the uniform. In an age where “influence” has jumped from the pages of a magazine to YouTube — into the back pockets of teenagers themselves — how do I teach my daughter to think for herself? (It’s also healthy for boys to think for themselves, of course, but this particular trend happens to be very girl-oriented, so I’m focusing on daughters.) The experts I asked suggested I start by learning and listening. Trend-Following in Adolescence Is Normal Rachel Simmons, author of “Enough as She Is,” said there’s nothing wrong with wanting to conform to a trend at this age. “It’s a normal and important phase of adolescent development to use clothing and social media accounts to figure out who you want to be in the world.” She added that even though the VSCO trend has a privileged and consumerist bent, it’s pretty harmless. After all, one of its signature phrases is “save the turtles.” “Photography, creativity, editing, environmentalism, drinking water, accessorizing to demonstrate your beliefs — what’s wrong with that?” Lisa Damour, a psychologist and author of “Under Pressure,” agreed. “Social connections are really powerful and meaningful for kids, even when they are held together by what seem like superficial things for adults,” she said. Be Curious First, Judgmental Last Wendy Mogel, a clinical psychologist and author of “Voice Lessons for Parents: What to Say, How to Say It, and When to Listen,” said parents should tame auto-suspicion and stereotyping. “When teen girls post transformation videos or dress in matchy-matchy styles, it doesn’t mean they are shallow,” she said. She added that even as some girls are dressing “VSCO,” they are simultaneously judging the style. “It can identify them as a member of a group, while at the same they have a whole ironic attitude about it,” she said. So maybe the kids, too, are laughing, I thought. But just in a language without vowels — one that I’m too old to get. I’ve learned that the girls’ “sksksksk” is like laughter — smashing the keyboard, as it were — but that if I attempt to say it, I’ll immediately regret it. Ditto with “save the turtles.” Learn About the Technology Mimi Ito, a cultural anthropologist who studies teenagers and technology, said parents should try out the technology kids use and consume media together. “It’s really clear from the research that the best way to have a positive influence on kids once they enter the teenage years is to really listen,” Dr. Ito said. “There’s a generation gap,” she said, “parents didn’t grow up with this technology.” And yes, your teens may roll their eyes at you. “But more times than not, they will appreciate that you’re taking an active interest in the things that they are excited about.” Ms. Simmons said since VSCO is a photo-sharing app, parents could use it as an opportunity to explore creative outlets. “Why not ask your daughter about photography or ask if there are any photo walks she wants to go on?” she said. Ask Questions — Make It a Teachable Moment Parents can ask: What’s interesting about the trend? Dr. Ito suggested questions like, “What does it mean to buy things that every kid doesn’t have access to?” Or, “Is a brand really the most important part of your identity or the way you want to signal who you are?” Then you can talk about values, challenge negative messages — and ultimately decide if buying a “VSCO” brand, or conforming to any other trend, aligns with what’s important to you as a family. Dr. Damour recommends keeping these conversations short, just long enough to install what she calls “a filter.” “So that when they consume media, they can hear their parent’s voice, ‘Who was that video made for? What’s it about? Who are they selling it to? And who is profiting from it?’” she said. Experts pointed out that many parents — themselves included — once conformed to trends as adolescents, too. (Madonna-inspired jelly bracelets, anyone?) And that sometimes parents too, shop according to brand names. “Have an open conversation about values, about access, and about the unfair pressure that girls feel,” Dr. Mogel suggested, “but not in a finger-wagging way.” Challenge the ‘Right’ Way to Look “There’s a central theme in this that there’s a ‘right’ way to look, and it’s everywhere, girls can’t get a break from it,” said Michelle Cove, the founder and director of Media Girls, a nonprofit dedicated to teaching girls to use media in ways that uplift and empower. But she pointed out positive examples of girls using media in uplifting ways, like the Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg. Media Girls teaches girls not only to question traditional media, but the content kids create for each other, as the line between ad-based content and organic sharing becomes more blurred. Ms. Cove stressed that adults shouldn’t try to “win” the conversation, or change kids’ minds. “Success is in gaining their trust,” she said, “and just having the conversation.” To avoid resistance, let your kids choose when to talk: “I have a question for you about something I saw on social media — when’s a good time to talk about it?” After listening and discussing, if VSCO or any other trend conflicts with your values or budget, you may decide you’re not going to buy it. Let Kids Have Fun With Self-Expression Dr. Mogel stressed the tremendous pressure kids feel today, and how they often feel that every moment “counts” toward their future. She said parents should give teenagers room to be silly, expressive, creative and relieve stress. She pointed out that when a toddler dresses up like a ballerina, parents don’t launch into a lecture about how it’s hard to make money as a professional dancer. This phase, she said, should be no different. “Adolescence is the second toddlerhood,” she said, “and kids at this age are trying things on to see what fits.” My daughter hops into my car after soccer practice, and I tell her I’m wrapping up this article. “Mom,” she says, “VSCO is basically over.” She grabs my phone while we wait for her brother. “I want to watch an A.S.M.R. video on YouTube,” she says. I sigh. What’s A.S.M.R.? Press, 2019-11-12T12:00:00+00:00 https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/how_to_get_your_kid_to_tell_you_what_happened_at_school_today_slate https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/how_to_get_your_kid_to_tell_you_what_happened_at_school_today_slate#When:12:00:00Z By Charles Duhigg Read this article on slate.com. September 14, 2019 How to Get Your Kid to Tell You What Happened at School Today And other tips from psychologist Wendy Mogel for cultivating resilience and exuberance. By Charles Duhigg On a recent episode of How To!, Charles Duhigg brought a listener’s (and his own) parenting anxieties to Wendy Mogel, a clinical psychologist and the New York Times bestselling author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. They talked about how many parents overprotect, overindulge, and overschedule their kids—and how they can learn to chill out. Some highlights of their conversation, condensed and edited for clarity, are below. Be a fellow traveler, not a helicopter. Wendy Mogel: If we solve every small problem for our kids, we see the pattern that we’re now seeing in college students, who are attached by an electronic tether to their parents and asking them questions like “Mom, could you take a look at this apple? I’m just going to turn on FaceTime so you can see it. Should I eat this part over here, or is that not a good part to eat?” Charles Duhigg: I want to be a fellow traveler with my kids, but I have all this advice! I have 44 years of good advice. Mogel: Not for 2019, Charles, you don’t. We want to learn from them and then take all our life experience and blend it with their knowledge of this moment. And that’s how we make our decisions. You’re probably more worried than your kids are. Duhigg: I have an 11-year-old named Ollie, and this summer he went to this camp where they fight with foam swords and they’re assigned to groups based on Greek mythology. It’s Brooklyn. But when I dropped him off each morning, I would get worried because he didn’t seem like he was socializing enough with the other kids. Some of the kids are playing swords with each other, and Ollie goes and sits on the wall. And I want to go over and be like, “No, no. Ollie, go play with those kids. They want to be friends with you. You should go be friends with them.” What should I do? Mogel: You sound so sad, and slightly hopeless, and you felt much worse than Ollie feels when he’s watching them. Duhigg: I’m actually the problem. It’s not that Ollie doesn’t want to go play with the other kids. It’s that he has a father who keeps on hectoring him. Mogel: We all do this. Every single one of us does this every day as parents because it’s all trial and error. Some kids are slower to warm—they just need time to rev up and figure out how to join the group. But you just have this little snapshot, and so in your eyes, he is the lonely, lost boy who will never get to engage in swordplay. And at the end of the day, you want a little reassurance so that you can sleep through the night. “OK. Ollie, did you do any swordplay? Did you play with anybody, or did you sit by yourself the whole entire day, and actually were there tears?” Duhigg: No, you’re right. That’s what I do. I’m the worst. Mogel: Does he not want to go to camp? Duhigg: No. He loves camp. Mogel: Yes. Just write that on a note and put it in your pocket. Don’t try to solve nonexistent problems. Mogel: Three-quarters of the parents who come to see me are not coming about problems. They’re coming with anticipatory anxiety. “What if this is the wrong school? What if he doesn’t make friends? What if he doesn’t have a good teacher?” And then they’ll ask the children if they like their teacher. I say never, never ask your child that because someday we want them to learn how to get along with difficult people. They’re going to have an unenlightened, uninspired boss one day. This is good for them. Everything doesn’t have to be perfect for them. So if kids are having trouble making friends, what the parents can say is “Wow” or “Tell me more,” and let them speak without interrupting with advice or guidance or recommendations until they make a statement with a question mark at the end. Duhigg: Instead of solving the problem, you just give them an opportunity to suggest new alternatives for themselves. Mogel: And you don’t do it in an annoying shrinky-like voice. You don’t say, “Hmm,” or put your finger on your chin. You’re engaged, but you’re treating them as though you have confidence that they have the tools somewhere inside to solve this. And you can say to them, “Have you ever been in a situation like this before? What did you do? How did it turn out? What are you thinking of trying? What’s your next step? What’s your plan?” Duhigg: Like I actually want to know what the answer is, not that I have an answer in mind and I’m waiting for them to guess it. I am actually curious—how are they going to solve this? Mogel: You are curious, respectful, and calm. What I see so often is escalation of anxiety until the parent is at the point where they drunk-text the principal or the head of the school. Use this trick to get kids to talk about their days. Duhigg: Those pointed questions we ask, oftentimes without understanding it, sometimes become interrogations—as you put it, that we are interviewing for pain. We’re asking questions like “Was Jimmy mean to you again today? Did you like your lunch?” Our natural instinct as parents, because we’re caring, is to try and find these moments when our kids aren’t happy and try and help them solve it. But oftentimes our kids are just exhausted. Mogel: Our job as parents and educators of certainly girls, but especially right now young boys, is to be enchanted with their enchantment. … When you pick your kid up at school, put down your device and say, “I thought about you today when I saw anything that they talk to you about,” if you came across something that connects their passion and their great store of information that they just treasure with your day, so that they know—these emotionally sensitive creatures—that you hold them in mind when you’re not together. It means so much to them. And it’s really a magic trick. It really works. Let your kid experience stress. Mogel: A surprising, sort of paradoxical way to do this comes from the brilliant research of a Norwegian child development specialist named Ellen Sandseter. Her premise is that without exposure to danger, children will be more fearful. She lists specific things that children need in order to become appropriately daring, confident, and resilient: to be at great heights from which they could fall and harm themselves, to be near bodies of water where they could drown, to be near fire, to travel at great speed. And this is the tricky one for all of us: wayfinding. Duhigg: But there’s a right way and a wrong way to stress your kid, and we have to be mindful of the difference. Mogel: There are signs to look for: a child who’s been previously dry at night who starts wetting, lots of complaints about tummy aches and headaches, loss of pleasure in activities that were previously very satisfying to the child, loss of exuberance. Then you can consider that your child has too much stress. If you’re not seeing those things, then we accept that it’s exactly like the way you build muscle—you have to stress the muscle, and actually tear it slightly, for it to become stronger. Press, 2019-09-14T12:00:00+00:00 https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/how_to_teach_a_child_to_reset_after_a_bad_day_without_fixing_their_problems_for_them https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/how_to_teach_a_child_to_reset_after_a_bad_day_without_fixing_their_problems_for_them#When:20:23:00Z By Amy Joyce Read this article on washingtonpost.com. WASHINGTON POST August 26, 2019 How to teach a child to reset after a bad day (without fixing their problems for them) By Amy Joyce Did you ever have one of those days where everything is going just fine, and then your child comes through the door upset, frustrated, angry and all your fine-ness slips down the drain? Maybe you want to fix it right away. You tell your little girl everything will be okay, or you tell your tween how to handle a friend kerfuffle, or you commiserate with your teen who’s complaining that his teacher hates him. As much as you may ache to make it all better, that’s not the way to go. “Parents are taking so much responsibility for their children’s mood and spirit that it feels like it’s your job to reset as soon as possible,” says Wendy Mogel, clinical psychologist and the author of “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Raising Self-Reliant Children” and “Voice Lessons for Parents.” “It deprives them of the opportunity to be crabby and cross when they finish school or at the end of a day of camp.” In other words, when we try to fix everything for our children, they don’t learn how to work through their problems. Part of the reason kids may be upset when they get home is that home is “the soft landing,” Mogel says. It’s the place they feel comfortable enough to get it all out. “They followed all those rules all day. They were polite to all the teachers. It’s exhausting.” And then they come home, she says, and their parents “are studying their posture, facial expression, etcetera, to reassure themselves that this is a good day. This is, in some ways, an intrusion of their natural recovery time.” Sometimes, says Robbye Fox, an independent education consultant and certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP), “the child may just want to vent. If we rush in too quickly, we may make the issue seem bigger than it is, or that they aren’t capable” of handling it. She suggests parents practice “reflective listening.” So, for instance, a child comes home and is frustrated after a tough day in math class. The parent then says, “Wow, it sounds like math was really overwhelming today.” Then the child says something else, and the parent reflects their feelings back to them. “Each time they feel heard, it brings the emotion down and they can see it for what it is,” she says. “It’s hard to see any child angry and frustrated,” says Emory Luce Baldwin, a marriage and family therapist and PEP certified parent educator. But you can remind them, she says, that the best feeling in the world doesn’t last forever, and neither does the worst one. “We don’t want to preach or teach to our kids, particularly when they are upset,” she says. You can say that you are sorry they feel so bad right now or that you can understand that the day was a really tough day. “Show that you’re affirming that this was today, this is now. Don’t use a global ‘I’m sorry you’re so upset’ or ‘It’s terrible that you hate school,’ ” Baldwin advises. “Respond in a way that helps kids hear this isn’t a permanent thing.” When her 12- or 8-year-old is struggling, Cara Schaaf Whitmarsh reminds them that “it’s okay to have a bad day,” and then they talk about how to make “tomorrow a good day” by focusing on the things that upset them. She wrote in a conversation via Facebook: “We acknowledge their feelings (anger, frustration, sadness, jealousy) and then make a game plan to help them deal with it.” Along those lines, Baldwin suggests we remind our children they can do things to make themselves feel better. Sometimes, when children (or, let’s face it, adults) are upset or down, it’s hard to remember there are joyful, positive things in our lives. She suggests saying, “I’ve noticed you like to play with the dog when you feel like this, or put that music on that you love.” There are times when an issue is larger and requires a bigger plan, conversations with teachers and more. But many times, a bad day is just that: a bad day. “Just helping kids connect with what they can do to feel better” is helpful, Baldwin says. A parent’s role in this is to help a child build problem-solving skills. Fox says she is on a parent advisory board at a college. She often hears about students who may have taken 15 Advanced Placement courses, but they don’t know how to navigate an airport. “They have no problem-solving skills or resilience.” So when your child forgets his lunch and it seems like a huge deal to him, your role is to help him rebound from that, Fox says, not just fix it or slough it off. “It’s like building blocks to the next bigger problem.” Press, 2019-08-28T20:23:00+00:00 https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/how_my_mother_prepared_us_to_live_without_her_washington_post https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/how_my_mother_prepared_us_to_live_without_her_washington_post#When:17:31:00Z By Anna Nordberg Read this article on washingtonpost.com. WASHINGTON POST May 23, 2019 How my mother prepared us to live without her By Anna Nordberg The night my mother told me that her cancer was terminal, she came into my room to say good night, same as she always did. “I’m so sorry I’m not going to be at your wedding, Anna,” she said. Lying there in the dark, 14 years old, this seemed like the least of our worries, and her words surprised me. She saw a string of events — graduations, careers, births — that would happen without her; all I saw was a fathomless blank. But those words were a remarkable gift. My mother saw me getting on with my life, and she believed I could do it. One of the things that strikes me about snowplow parenting, the helpful term highlighted for us by the college admissions scandal, is that it assumes the parents will always be around to do the plowing. But that’s never where my mind goes. Instead, I think about how to raise my kids with resilience, and how to love them to smithereens so they can, eventually, muddle through the world without me. My mother faced an extreme version of this: how to prepare my brother and me for a world in which she was gone. Recently I’ve started thinking about what she modeled for us during those years — resilience; a clear understanding of the values of our family; and an ability to put one foot in front of the other during a slow-rolling disaster — and how to pass those things on to my own small children. (Minus, hopefully, the disaster.) So much parenting is now judged on outcomes such as, say, acceptance at an elite college, that it can seem like what your child has accomplished is more important than who they are. But the real work of parenting is internal — it’s the business of building humanity. Did my mother plan strategically? Did she try to cram a lifetime of parenting into the three to four years her doctors gave her? I don’t know, but I think probably not. Her main desire was to keep things as normal as possible, and for the most part, she did that in those years before she died, when I was 17. My brother and I went to school, my dad went to his office, and even when my mother was too sick to keep working, she still did the permission slips and organized the family trips. Turns out there was a reason for all of this. Predictability helps children build resilience. “One of the ways children can process grief is by having things continue in a very predictable, reliable way — the same old, the same old,” says Wendy Mogel, a clinical psychologist and author of the parenting books “Blessing of a Skinned Knee” and “Voice Lessons for Parents.” Predictability, she explains, is part of the family infrastructure that lets the wonderful, weird, magical moments of childhood unfold; moments that are essential to developing the reserves to face challenges. Building resilience also requires something we aren’t very good at these days, Mogel says, which is slowing down. “You have to leave enough time at each of the pivot points in the day for your child to be able to spot an interesting rock, or a butterfly, or for both of you to stop because there’s a crocus coming up,” Mogel says. “You have to be captivatable.” Sunshine, time in nature, singing, bedtime stories and jumping off from a book into a world that the child creates are all ingredients in the unremarkable happiness of kids. Mogel’s focus on fun may seem strange when we are conditioned to think that resilience comes from constantly surmounting challenges. But it doesn’t. There’s a push-pull: A child needs a secure foundation, and memory upon memory of happiness, to layer challenges over. My mother wasn’t actually the fun parent — that honor fell to my father, who built the forts and played the games and read most of the stories — but she understood the importance of that time and protected it for us. “Consider your stewardship of fun and imagination and interest as important as your stewardship of their performance in school or their behaviors,” Mogel says. “Follow them, let them lead.” Nature, she explains, is an excellent co-parent. Even a scramble over rocks down to a creek bed is an excellent way for kids to navigate a challenge. And finally, focus on “tiny rituals — trying to get your child to school on time every morning without rushing; greeting them at the end of the day by saying, ‘I thought of you today when — .’” It shows you held them in your mind even when you’re weren’t with them. Because resilience doesn’t come from an absence of delight and love; it comes from having a lot of it. As a friend and longtime early educator told me, delighting in your child is probably the most important thing you can do for them. The concern about overpraise, coddling and clearing all obstacles is legitimate, but it’s a separate issue. In fact, the parents swept up in the college admissions indictments could probably have avoided it if they’d asked themselves: Am I being the kind of adult I hope my child will grow into? My mother awed me with her conduct and standards. I will never forget, when I was 15 and trying to wiggle out of an invitation I’d accepted to a party, how she pinned me down with her gaze and said, “You said you were going to this party, with this person, and that’s what you are going to do.” End of discussion. In the decades since, whenever a morally thorny question comes up, I picture her standing with full authority in her bathrobe, and imagine what she would say. She and my dad also modeled the kind of low-key, everyday courage it takes to be in pain and keep moving forward. When it came to processing as a family, we didn’t always get it right — we had no bucket list and no language for grief, and we paid a price for that once she was gone. But I saw both my parents acknowledge that something was hard and move forward, and it is one of the things I’ve remained most grateful for, especially when my own pregnancy went off the rails. Seven weeks before my son was due, I developed severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. My son had to be delivered; the possibility of a liver transplant was mentioned. But I’d watched my mother keep it together for her children during a long illness, and I could certainly manage it for a night. And then, 30 hours after my son was born, when I finally got to hold him, I sang the songs she had sung to me. I said funny little things to him. His hands were the size of quarters, he would look at me for a second and then his eyes would roll up from the effort. But we understood each other. Together, we started the serious business of allowing the world to slowly, hilariously, beautifully unfold. Press, 2019-05-23T17:31:00+00:00 https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/college_tour_road_trips_as_routes_to_adulthood https://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/college_tour_road_trips_as_routes_to_adulthood#When:16:45:00Z College visits can be a chance for parents to start thinking of their kids in a more grown-up light.Read this article on the New York Times website. NEW YORK TIMES April 12, 2019 College Tour Road Trips as Routes to Adulthood College visits can be a chance for parents to start thinking of their kids in a more grown-up light. By Wendy Mogel It was on a college visit that my dad took me to see a young Richard Pryor perform in Chicago. My first nightclub, my first exposure to stand-up. I was the youngest person in the room and we sat right up front near the stage, watching the performance like a close-up magic act. I was included with the grown-ups. Richard Pryor acted out a hilarious ballet: a high school kid on a date, a little nervous. How do you tell if you have B.O.? Oh, you just lift one arm up. A casual stretch, not obvious. Then you turn your head slightly and take a sniff. He killed. I clapped so hard the stone fell out of my ring and flew across the room. The trip helped inspire me, years later, to use humor in my work as a psychologist and gave me a taste of the adult life I would soon lead. It also showed me that my father trusted me to lead that life well. Yet too often, that element of trust is exactly what’s missing from the college admissions process, to the detriment of parents and students. It seems to have been missing in the recent admissions scandals, in which a few celebrities and dozens of people you’ve never heard of were charged in an F.B.I. sting. Psychologists shake our heads over the fallout of emotional witness tampering, identity theft and transcript pimping on the fragile identity of children as parents maneuver to make them appear “good enough.” Though staging fake water polo photo shoots is extreme, it’s not only the wealthiest parents who are guilty of abuses of trust. Many well-meaning parents send their children the grim and demoralizing message that some measure of trickery is necessary for their children to succeed — whether through endless test prep aimed at gaming the SAT’s “score choice” option, professional essay coaching or inflated community service projects. This vote of little confidence sets them up to feel like frauds and failures. One of the most emotionally charged depictions of a college tour comes from a classic episode of “The Sopranos.” Driving on the back roads of Maine between visits to Bates and Colby, Tony Soprano’s teenager daughter, Meadow, asks him if he’s in the mafia. Initially evasive, he finally tells her the truth: “All right look, Mead, you’re a grown woman, almost. Some of my money comes from illegal gambling and whatnot. How does that make you feel?” In turn, Meadow confesses that she took speed to study for the SAT but assures him she won’t do it again. They end these mutual confessions with: “I love you.” “I love you, too.” Yes, during the trip Tony wipes out an old antagonist (it is “The Sopranos,” after all), but this moment between the mobster and his daughter is so tender, respectful and honest, it could serve as a model for other parents, if not for the murder. A 15-year-old patient told me, “Every conversation with my mom feels like either a celebrity interview or a police interrogation.” If all you’re talking about is school, the conversations will be tense and abbreviated. The teen will withhold what really matters to her, closing off an opportunity to delve into complex thoughts and feelings with a willing grown-up. My teenage patients have reacted to this pressure by becoming junior psychoanalysts, able to dissect their parents’ every frown and sigh. But ask them about themselves, and they shift into polite job-interview mode, formal and guarded. Like poker players avoiding the tell, they don’t dare reveal their passing interests for fear their parents will smell college application fodder and pounce. I recall a 14-year-old budding artist whose mother dropped him off for a session. She was no longer in the building, much less in the room with us. Still, he leaned close to me when he whispered, “Guess what? I’m writing a graphic novel.” I asked him what would happen if his mom overheard him. He said, “She’d get too excited.” In the pursuit of college acceptance, many parents sacrifice the chance to observe their child evolving. They may think they know their son or daughter because they’ve brainstormed together about A.P. classes and spring break voluntourism, but beneath their parents’ radar, teenagers are hosting backyard concerts, doing photo shoots, creating webisodes, making beer from hops they planted by the side of the house. Secure parents can watch this parade without getting judgmental or overinvolved, recognizing that self-expression is not a waste of time. Compassionate detachment and sincere curiosity are excellent ways to encourage self-exploration. And this is where the college tour comes in. If you are a parent of a junior or senior making the rounds right now, instead of merely ferrying your child from campus to campus, use this time to get to know them for who they really are, and to practice trusting their intuition and decisions. The information sessions most admissions departments offer for prospective students are puffery, a live promotional video. Ten minutes in to one of them, cued by my daughter’s raised eyebrow, we agreed to play hooky and went to lunch instead. You may learn the most by hanging out with students. Have a meal in the dining hall. If you can spend an evening, go see a performance of the campus improv troupe, a play, a concert, or a lecture. If you or your child know a current student, that’s gold — invite them for lunch or coffee, then stay in the background (or leave — just say you have to return some work emails) and allow your child to ask anything and get frank responses. When leaving a school visit, always wait to hear your child’s impressions before offering your thoughts. It’s not easy to trust teenagers to make their own decisions, and the results are rarely painless or perfect. One of my daughters thought she had found the perfect school but wound up leaving and spending time working at a national park before finding an even better fit. It may take more than one road trip for students to find their place and purpose. It may take more than a weekend to get a wary teenager to open up and share who they really are, but having patience is part of trust. The parents caught in the admissions scandal wanted guaranteed results. They traded an opportunity to connect with their children for the manufactured “opportunities” afforded by a big-name university. Sitting with my father watching Richard Pryor joke about B.O. all those years ago didn’t improve my test scores, but it allowed me and my father to spend real time together, a precious commodity when teenagers are poised to leave home. Learning who your children are and who they may grow to be is a process that takes a lifetime, and there are no shortcuts. Take the scenic route. 2019-04-22T16:45:00+00:00