http://www.wendymogel.com/ en Copyright 2013 2013-03-02T13:39:49+00:00 http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/parenting_group_discussion_guide_the_blessing_of_a_b_minus/ http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/parenting_group_discussion_guide_the_blessing_of_a_b_minus/#When:01:58:00Z Download as a pdf or a Word document. The Blessing of a B Minus Parenting Group Guide       I’ve written this guide to provide parents of teenagers with a framework for discussing the topics of The Blessing of a B Minus in a group setting. Teachers and school administrators can also use the guide to form a group of their own. Talking about your concerns and getting the perspective of peers can be cathartic, reassuring, and eye-opening. Yet parents of teens are less likely to participate in parent education programs or discussion groups than parents of young children.       I witnessed this reluctance firsthand when I decided to hold my first classes for parents of teens a few years ago. I expected the classes would be similar to the ones I’d held for parents of children in elementary school, when the participants would arrive at my office like butterflies, wearing happy colors and alighting gracefully in their chairs. They talked a lot, commiserated, and smiled. We had fun. But when I walked into my first class for parents of teens, it felt as though the lighting had changed in the room. The parents wore darker clothes and darker expressions. They raised their hands to speak, and even when I called on them they didn’t speak much. A few of them admitted reasons for their reticence: they were afraid of betraying their teen’s privacy or worried the others would judge them for having poor parenting skills. After a few sessions, however, the parents discovered how much they had in common, even though their problems looked different on the surface. Once the ice was broken these parents were movingly honest and very funny. The payoff for overcoming the initial inhibition was a sense of proportion, a deeper understanding of the normal pain of raising adolescents, a feeling of hope, and an appreciation of the power of fellowship.       Despite reservations you might feel about sharing your parenting worries, I encourage you to give a parenting group a try. Here are a few guidelines I’ve developed over the years to create strong groups and get the discussion flowing. Nuts and Bolts       Group size is an important element. A group that is too small can devolve into a chat session; one that’s too large will lack intimacy. Aim to have ten to twelve members in your group. (If you have a professional leader, such as an adolescent development specialist, counselor, or psychologist, the group can be larger, with up to twenty members.)       When and where should your group meet? The answers depend on the group’s composition. Parents working outside of home will be available on weekday evenings; those who have more flexible schedules may prefer to meet in the morning shortly after school drop-off.  Weekend meetings are often harder to schedule because they conflict with teens’ activities and parental driving obligations. An exception to this rule occurs when parents whose children attend Sunday school together form a group of their own. If the school or your synagogue or church can offer you a meeting room, your group can conveniently assemble while the children are in class.       Most book discussion groups are held at members’ homes. The advantage of rotating among member’s residences is distribution of responsibility for hosting and traveling, the advantage of meeting at the same place each time is ease of navigation and familiarity. I suggest scheduling an hour and a half for each meeting if you can start promptly, two hours if you want to allow for a brief schmoozing period at the beginning. Consider holding meetings weekly for a predetermined period: six to eight weeks is a typical duration. Of course, you can alter the schedule or extend the group as the members wish.       Groups can also meet in cyberspace via videoconferencing sessions and online discussions. But because of the technological requirements and the challenges of maintaining privacy, I recommend virtual meetings only when in-person groups are not possible. How to Find Participants       As I mentioned, parents of teens are notoriously reluctant to discuss their problems. At one high school, the school counselor, desperate to boost enrollment in her parent education programs, changed the title of her discussion group from “Understanding Teen Social and Emotional Development” to “A Workshop on How to Get Your Child into College: The Impact of Teen Social and Emotional Development.” Since few parents got as far as the subtitle, the room was packed. I doubt you’ll need to employ trickery to find group members, but unless you already know several parents who want to start a discussion group, you’ll need persistence as well as a light touch. Try submitting an announcement to your school, church, synagogue or community center newsletter, or message board, or post it on a social networking site.  You can write something like, “Escape from your teenagers! Meet new people with similar problems, make new friends; sharing of personal stuff is encouraged but not required…if you are a perfect parent with perfect child, you are not invited.” Or pass a similar email message announcing your group to anyone who has regular contact with parents of teens. This includes school administrators, coaches, private music teachers, tutors, the librarian, the head of the parents’ association, or the mom in your neighborhood who knows everyone. Ask these people to forward the message to possible group members. Another option is to look for members on Goodreads.com, a book lovers’ website that offers opportunities for its three million members to form book discussion groups. Leadership       Almost everyone knows of a book club in which books are never discussed. If you want your parenting group to have some meat on its bones, consider hiring or appointing someone to lead it. A leader helps provide some structure; structure allows the members more confidence; and confidence leads to a deeper conversation. If your group elects a moderator from one of its ranks, the members should grant her the authority to say things like, “We’ve gotten off track,” or “Let’s hear from someone else now,” or “That’s a great point. We’ll talk about it more in a few weeks.” A professional leader can perform these services and also offer expertise in adolescence. You can ask a counselor, social worker, or member of the clergy to take on the role. Make sure the leader has experience with teenagers. Although school administrators and teachers can make capable leaders, avoid using someone who works in a school attended by children of group members. (An exception is an exclusively school-based group led by a counselor from that school.) Otherwise the familiarity can make it difficult for parents of teens to be candid.  Ground Rules       A few good ground rules will keep the group members feeling comfortable and protected. Here are some possibilities for your group: •       If the group leader is not in charge of organizational details, appoint someone else to manage this task. This person will maintain contact information, send out meeting reminders, and handle other logistics as they arise. Members should contact this person if they are unable to attend a meeting. •      Meetings will be held at a regular time and won’t be rescheduled to accommodate the needs of individual members. Group members will do their best to arrive on time and stay for the full meeting. •      Group members acknowledge the privacy concerns of both parents and their teenagers; they also acknowledge the honor of being trusted with information about others’ families. What is said in the group will be kept confidential. •      No one is required to share personal information about themselves, their families, or their teens. The group agrees that members can opt to “pass” out of a discussion and remain quiet, without being badgered about this decision by other members. •      Members also agree to stay aware of the natural impulse to monopolize the discussion. They will refrain from excessive interruption and attempt to give equal airtime to everyone. •      Members will phrase comments about one another’s parenting decisions in respectful, positive terms.  They agree to do more listening than advising and to refrain from psychoanalyzing, haranguing, or offering predictions about the fate of other members’ children. Curriculum for a Blessing of a B Minus Parenting Group       Below is a curriculum for a parenting group that meets for eight sessions. Each session includes a reading assignment and discussion questions. Don’t be alarmed by the number of questions; I’ve included more questions than a group can reasonably expect to discuss in a ninety-minute session. The leader or group members can pick and choose from the questions according to the group’s interests. Questions should be forwarded to members in advance of each meeting, since some of them require personal reflection or a bit of research. Session One Reading assignment: Chapter 1. The Hidden Blessings of Raising Teenagers Chapter 2. The Blessing of Strange Fruit: Accepting the Unique Glory of Your Teen       Open the first session with introductions. Invite members to say their names and the gender, ages, and grades of their teens. If they wish, members can describe topics they hope the group will cover. Next go around the room and share brief general reactions to the assigned chapters. (“What stood out? What did you relate to?”) Then move on to the members’ answers to the chosen questions. Remind members that they are entitled to say “pass” when their turn comes up. Expect the class to take a few sessions to hit its stride. Be patient and as tolerant as possible, both with yourself and the other members, as many of these subjects are delicate and/or sensitive. 1. Discuss the idea that adolescence can be compared to the Israelites’ journey across the desert. In what areas are your teenagers still too green to enter the Promised Lands they long for? 2. How would you characterize your own teenage years? Do you wish to shield your child from what you went through, or would you like him or her to have some similar experiences? 3. How would you describe your child’s adolescence so far? What are your fears about their journey? What are your hopes for the next few years? 4. What is your leadership style as a parent? Do you tend to micromanage and worry a lot; do you issue orders from the top and expect them to be followed; or are you more laid back? What are the benefits and disadvantages of each style? How can you cultivate the quality of “compassionate detachment”? 5. Think of parents whose teenagers have grown into happy, productive, non-neurotic adults. How would you characterize their parenting style? Or interview one or two teachers or school administrators you admire. Ask them about the strategies they use to detach themselves from dramas while remaining respectful, effective leaders. Share these with the group. 6. What are your dreams for your child’s future? Where do they differ from your child’s own dreams? 7. Take an inventory of your child’s innate gifts and inclinations. Have you expected your child to change in ways that may not be possible due to his natural temperament? Where can you reasonably ask your child to stretch? 8. When is it appropriate for a parent to insist that a child develop skills that will contribute to a well-rounded, successful adult life? What is your view about requiring teenagers to master a musical instrument, become fluent in a second language, play at least one sport, or develop a specialized area of academic knowledge, even if the child resists? 9. Looking back at the past week and month, make your own appreciation list similar to the one on page 28. Try viewing your teen from the standpoint of a cultural anthropologist. What do you appreciate about your “strange fruit”? Session Two Reading assignment: Chapter Three. The Blessing of a Bad Attitude: Living Graciously with the Chronically Rude 1. Are teens today truly less polite than teens of previous generations, or do elders always despair of the callowness of youth? 2. What manners did you learn at home that stood you in good stead in your adult life? Were any oppressive or unnecessary? What was neglected in your social education? 3. Fill in the blank: I wish to foster mutual respect and decorum in my home but consistently struggle with ___________. 4. Make a list of standards for minimum politeness in your home. How does it differ from mine? From others in the group? Do you find that there is a general consensus, or does there seem to be a lack of community agreement about what constitutes good manners in adolescents? 5. Many of the parents I work with guiltily describe their pattern of interaction with their teens as “Nice, nice, nice…mean!” In other words, they accommodate their teens’ challenging behavior until they explode in fury. Does this describe your own pattern? What would a more productive pattern look like? What can you do to shift your rhythm of emotional responses? 6. Is it possible that your child is too polite? Is she a people pleaser? Inhibited? Not as forthright with peers as you would like him to be? 7. Do you believe in double standards for parents and teens when it comes to salty language, keeping your word, and being on time? 8. Do you wake your teen each weekday morning? Do you mind starting your day this way? What are the potential disadvantages of this courtesy? 9. List some ways you put “money in the bank of goodwill” for your teen. Are they effective? Session Three Reading assignment: Chapter Four. The Blessing of a B Minus: The Real Lessons of Homework, Chores, and Jobs 1. What are your own household chores? What is your attitude toward doing them? 2. Make a list of the tasks you’d like to add to your child’s to-do list. (This list could include specific chores, or responsibility for keeping track of homework assignments, or getting a paid job.) Then list the obstacles that may prevent you from following through on this list. If you wish, share the two lists with the group and ask for suggestions for overcoming hurdles. 3. How much parental involvement in homework is appropriate? Is a hands-off approach ever best? How has your view changed from your child’s earlier school years? 4. Do you agree that a teen should be allowed to have a messy bedroom, or do you feel that a disorderly space means a disorderly mind? 5. If your child lets stuff pile up in his room, is it ever appropriate to go in and sort through the notebooks, clothes, paper, and junk? What about discarding these things without your teen’s permission? What are the costs and benefits? 6. In an economy where jobs are scarce, unpaid internships are becoming more and more popular as a way to gain work experience and build a resume. Yet in this chapter I compare such internships unfavorably to ordinary, unglamorous paid jobs. Do you find my view old-fashioned, impractical or sensible? 7. Does your teen have a job? What are the best opportunities for part-time work in your area? Session Four Reading Assignment: Chapter Five. The Blessing of a Lost Sweater: Managing Your Teen’s Materialism, Entitlement, and Carelessness 1. What was your favorite item of clothing, sports equipment, room decoration, gadget, tool, or other “toy” as a teenager? 2. When you were a teen, were there specific items you coveted but never received? Did you feel deprived? Did this feeling have a negative impact on you? Or was there an advantage in it? 3. Is your child too materialistic? How might the example you set reinforce this tendency? 4. Some teens like to look sharp, while others prefer worn out, sloppy, or dirty clothing. If your child is uninterested in what you consider proper attire and grooming what might he or she be trying to communicate with this style? What role do you wish to take in enforcing standards of dress? 5. Invite a member of the group to read the story of Lily and the rejected BMW aloud in class. What is your reaction to Lily’s parents’ response? How would you react if your child complained about a generous gift? 6. Think of an exchange in which your teenager was angry with you for not providing a particular item or performing a particular service. How did you react? If you wish you could have handled the situation differently, try role-playing it with another parent in the group. 7. Do you possess “healthy narcissism”? What are some ways you can demonstrate conviction about the importance of looking nice and caring for your needs? 8. Re-read the graduation dress story. Do you find yourself sympathizing with either Mom A or Mom B? Why? Session Five Reading Assignment: Chapter Six. The Blessing of Problems to Solve: Letting Your Teen Learn from Bad Judgment and Stressful Situations 1. Where is your child too intolerant of suffering? Is it in math, sports, or dull tasks such as proofreading or memorization? Do you see your child as oversensitive to teasing from friends or criticism from adults?  2. And where is your child too tolerant and unable to stand up for himself when a legitimate problem arises? 3. Do you frequently rush in to save your child from unpleasant situations? Think of a specific instance. Are you glad you intervened or helped out, or do you regret your actions? If you wish to respond differently in the future, how can you remind yourself to stop and reflect before rushing in too quickly? 4. Teens have a right to make mistakes and learn from them—and so do parents. How do you feel when you realize you’ve made a parenting misstep? Are you modeling the self-acceptance you want your teenager to develop? 5. Page 102 describes the need to distinguish dramas from emergencies. Share ideas with the group about ways to tell the difference. 6. What were your experiences of good danger during adolescence? Did you travel without adult supervision? Spend time with people very different from your own family or community? Lie to your parents about your whereabouts to gain some freedom? How did these experiences prepare you to navigate life on your own? 7. Do you suffer from “mean world syndrome”? How can you cultivate a nonalarmist but realistic view of your environment? 8. Did you ever experience danger that left a lasting, upsetting impression? Did the experience teach you street smarts? Or did it wound you in some way? How do these experiences affect the way you raise your teenager? Session Six Reading Assignment: Chapter Seven. The Blessing of Staying Up Late: Making Time for Rest and Fun 1. Did you take your children to religious services when they were young? If so, is your teenager enthusiastic about attending now? What are the best ways to handle a teen’s reluctance to participate in religious activities? 2. Did you celebrate Shabbat or a day of rest when your child was smaller? Do you now? What are ways you can draw the spirit of Shabbat into your week? 3. Does your teen have enough time for sleep and relaxation? 4. How do you feel about stepping in when an overworked, overtired teenager insists that she “likes being busy” or that he “doesn’t need to sleep”? Where do you draw the line between letting a teen learn the downside of overscheduling and protecting him from the pressure of our hypercompetitive culture? 5. What activities provided you with the most fun and flow as a teenager? 6. What is your teenager’s preferred method of chilling out? Does it offend, frighten, or annoy you? 7. Many parents of teens say they feel left out and depleted. What pathways to flow have you tried? Have you expanded your social world? What is working? What isn’t? 8. What’s your policy about your teen entering your bedroom? Do you have a private space that is entirely your own? Session Seven Reading Assignment: Chapter Eight. The Blessing of Breaking the Rules: Real Life as Ethics Lab 1. Re-read pages 136 through 139 about the “traps” parents fall into when their child breaks rules. Which of these traps lure you most often? How can you avoid them? 2. When you were a teenager, how did your parents discipline you? Were they hands-off? Did they use physical punishments or humiliation? Did they follow through on the consequences they threatened? Ask yourself which aspects of their disciplinary techniques helped you acquire an ethical sense, and which aspects left you feeling rejected or ashamed. 3. Think of three or four common teen misdeeds and come up with an example of teshuvah for each. Share these with the group. 4. Quickly, name your child’s five worst traits. Don’t think too hard! Now recast each as a talent, gift, or positive attribute. Resist sarcasm. How can you provide your child with channels for the productive expression of these traits? 5. Explore your double standards (we all have them) by answering the questions on page 152. Can you spot any contradictions between what you say and what you do? Can you make changes? What obstacles do you anticipate facing if you try to improve? Session Eight Reading Assignment: Chapter Nine. The Blessing of a Hangover: A Sanctified Approach to Substances and Sex Chapter Ten. The Courage to Let Them Go 1. What did your parents or childhood religion teach you about the role of pleasure in life? Were you taught that sex or inebriation is shameful? Were you around adults who couldn’t control their drinking, drug use or other impulsive behaviors? How do these experiences affect the way you are raising your teen? 2. What is your stance toward teenage experimentation? Are you the pleasure police? Or do you cover your eyes, ears, and intuition? 3. Were you surprised by my philosophy that teens may benefit from experimentation with substances and physical affection while they are still under their parents’ protection? How do you feel about expecting teens to remain celibate and sober until they are in college or on their own? 4. When your teen approaches you about a delicate topic, do you tend to overreact? Or underreact? What strategies can you use to remain composed while feeling embarrassed or unsure? 5. Come up with a couple of situations in which a parent might have to make a difficult decision about a child’s readiness. (Some ideas: A teenager wants to go out with a friend whom you distrust; wants to study in the bedroom with friends of the opposite sex; asks you to help procure birth control.) Ask yourself how a thoughtful parent would break down the request and apply the “natural laboratory” concept to make a decision. Role-play the request with another parent in the group. 6. Where do you stand on the concept of “friends with benefits”? 7. Do you agree with the idea of “truthiness” as a parental stance? 8. Take an inventory of your daily delight quotient. How might you bring more sensual pleasures into your life? 9. When your child leaves home to attend college or live independently, do you expect to feel as sad as the father in chapter ten? Or mostly nervous? Or joyful? Or relieved? Or all four? If your child has attended sleepaway camp or an out-of-town program, use your reaction to that experience as a guide. Articles by Wendy Mogel 2010-10-13T01:58:57+00:00 http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/the_blessing_of_a_b_minus_new_york_times_magazine/ http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/the_blessing_of_a_b_minus_new_york_times_magazine/#When:14:40:00Z Motherlode:  Adventures in Parenting By Lisa Belkin This blog has such a lively readership.  To see their comments or to add your own, visit this blog in on the New York Times Magazine website. October 12, 2010, 10:41 am The Blessing of a B Minus By LISA BELKIN “Little kids, little problems,” the Russian version of the proverb says. In Italian, it’s “Little children, headache; big children, heartache.” And in Yiddish: “Small children disturb your sleep, big children disturb your life.” In her new book, The Blessing of a B Minus: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers, psychologist Wendy Mogel acknowledges that parents have more reason to worry as their children grow: The main difference between raising small children and teenagers is the danger involved, both perceived and real. There’s a difference between teaching your child to ride a two-wheeler and teaching her to drive a car. Between worrying that she will eat too much sugar at a birthday party and fearing that she might take Ecstasy at a rave. Between your disappointment that he wasn’t placed in the top second-grade reading group and worrying that he won’t make it into college. But, she warns, the fact that the dangers are scarier does not change the fact that facing them down is what allows a teen to become a healthy adult. Mogel’s first book, “Blessings of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children,” sent the message that bumps and bruises (both the literal and the metaphorical kinds) are part of how children learn to be pick themselves up and move on. In this new book, her goal is to assure us that everything alarming about older children — their lack of motivation, their bursts of anger or surliness, their tendency to treat us like an A.T.M., their recklessness, their rudeness — are exactly the things they must do in order to become responsible, resilient adults. As she explained in an interview: …rudeness… is a sign that your teen is working to separate from those she trusts the most. So see it as a chance to teach tolerance and respect. What looks like runaway materialism is a chance to teach the virtue of moderation. And it’s also a blessing for parents to live with these creatures who have such a lusty capacity for delight, who vibrate with the perfection of the universe when they find the perfectly perfect pair of skinny jeans. I’m guessing that most of you don’t see your child’s insistence on buying and spending, or grunting and snapping, as “blessings.” I suspect that you see these as signs that you have failed. Most parents take the ups and downs of teenagers personally, Mogel says, and the result is a cycle that might well be familiar to you: Well-intentioned parents perceive the world as so competitive and dangerous — there are only 10 good colleges, the drugs are stronger, sex more dangerous — that they wish for their child to go straight from sweet third grader to junior statesman. They hope that with the right strategy their child can skip the stage of adolescence — of risk-taking, bad choices, oversleeping and sketchy friends — entirely. So they get very involved and become very helpful on one hand and become overly reactive and suspicious on the other. Normal teen ups and downs seem like tsunamis. And here’s the outcome: instead of typical teen moodiness, arrogance and annoyance-with-parents these overhandled, overstressed kids feel anxious, demoralized and helpless, and some become very angry. Instead of taking it out on their parents — who already seem so vulnerable — they take it out on themselves in the form of eating disorders, self-injury, homework strikes and anxiety and gloominess about the future.   Then when these teens get to college they are unprepared to manage without their handlers. The deans call those who have been overprotected “teacups” and those who have been fried from overscheduling and overwork “crispies.” Some get into top schools but come home before the end of first semester. In other words, she believes, it is the overreaction to adolescence, rather than the actual dangers of adolescence that threatens our kids. Her book is filled with reassurance, much of it summed up into spoonful-sized statements, like: 1. Teenagers need to make dumb mistakes to get smart. 2. Be ALERT but not ALARMED. 3. Be compassionate and concerned but not enmeshed. 4. Love them but do not worship them like idols or despise them when they let you down. 5. Be observant without spying or prying. 6. Pretend you have seven kids: Dopey, Bashful, Sleepy, Grumpy, Doc (the “know it all”), Sneezy (Does he have a learning disability? An undiagnosed handicap of some kind?), Happy (Is he too laid back? Where is his passion, focus, ambition and drive?) and that which ever of these seven appear in your child’s form on any given day, they are all just going through a phase. 7. When they come to you in distress, resist responding like a concierge, talent agent or the secret police. Assume that they are capable of figuring out — through trial and error — how to solve their own problems. 8. Be forewarned that the college Common Application asks about “paid” employment with the word “paid” in bold. Remind yourself that ordinary chores and nonfancy paid jobs provide a great education in ordinary but vital life skills. 9. Remind yourself that watching dumb YouTube videos is a healthful form of decompression and entertainment for teenagers. 10. Remind yourself that they are unlikely to fulfill all of your dreams or all of your nightmares. 11. Remember that a snapshot of your teenager today is not the epic movie of her life. 12. Recognize that once they get to college, FERPA (Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act) laws don’t allow parents to see their child’s grades so it’s a good idea for students to learn the relationship between effort and outcome long before they go. 13. Plan parental obsolescence, raise them to leave you. The Talmud requires that parents teach their child how to swim. 14. Put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child. 15. Find support in other adults instead of letting shame or fear about your teenager’s twisting path cause you to isolate yourself. She dubs her philosophy “compassionate detachment,” defined as “viewing the upsetting aspects of adolescence as normal and necessary — as blessings that represent healthy growth, parents can put them in perspective and react thoughtfully instead of impulsively. Thus, bad grades, emotional outbursts, rudeness, breaking the rules, staying up late and experimentation become signs that a teen is on course, not headed for disaster.” A blessing indeed. Media about Wendy Mogel 2010-10-12T14:40:48+00:00 http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/the_one_parenthood_book_i_couldnt_live_without_child_magazine/ http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/the_one_parenthood_book_i_couldnt_live_without_child_magazine/#When:22:53:00Z Where do celebrated writers turn when they need advice and comfort on their journey as parents?  Read on as 13 authors share their favorite books—and the very personal reasons why these titles made a difference. By Elizabeth Fishel CHILD Magazine, March 2005 By Elizabeth Fishel The One Parenthood Book I Couldn‘t Live Without  Our children don’t come with an instruction manual, but a good book about parenthood can be the next best thing.  Here, 13 notable American writers reveal their favorites.  With a few classics, old and new, and a few surprises, these are the books that guide, inspire, reassure, and nudge us to grow as parents along with our children. —Ayelet Waldman and Michael Chabon The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel, Ph.D. “We like the emphasis this book places on the parents being the center of the wheel of the family and the importance of raising children who appreciate their place in the world and their obligation to be mensches [Yiddish for ‘people of integrity and honor’].” —Waldman is the author of Murder Plays House and Daughter’s Keeper; Chabon is the Pulitzer Prize-winning author of The Final Solution, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, and Summerland.  They are the parents of Sophie, 9, Zeke, 7, Ida-Rose, 3, and Abraham, 23 months. —Joyce Maynard Expecting Adam by Martha Beck “This is a book I have reread more than once.  Beck tells the story of her discovery, early in her pregnancy with her second child (and while she was a student at Harvard Business School), that she was carrying a fetus with Down syndrome and of her decision not to abort.  In no way a treatise against choice, the book quietly explores what is to me the true essence of parenting: namely, that the decision to raise a child inevitably represents a huge risk, offering no guarantees, and that the ultimate joys of parenting have little—no, nothing—to do with your child’s IQ or potential to get into Harvard himself.  Written with a distance of enough years from the birth of her son that it had become clear what a gift he’d been to her family, the book stands as a soaringly optimistic affirmation of all the things our children give us that we weren’t asking for (which is lucky, given that so much we thought we’d get may elude us).  Beck reminds us that we do not simply raise our children.  They raise us too.”  —Maynard is the author of At Home in the World and The Usual Rules and the mother of three grown children. —Jacquelyn Mitchard Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care by Benjamin Spock, M.D. “When I became a mother, I had no mother:  She’d died when I was 19.  And I had no mother-in-law, no older woman to show me the ropes.  And so I had to learn from Benjamin Spock literally how to put on a diaper and wash a bottle.  Dr. Spock has a special place in the souls of those of us who came to parenthood without role models (or with awful ones) for giving us the operating manual.  His reassurance was of inestimable comfort.  He told us babies couldn’t be ‘spoiled’ by picking them up when they cried.  He told us that fostering love and protectiveness in older siblings was more important than protecting a baby from germs.  He insisted that what we felt was important to do for our children probably was the right thing.  I once interviewed Ben Spock.  He said reflectively that he had not been, perhaps, the best parent he could have been.  I answered, ‘But you were a wonderful parent…to me.’  My copy of Baby and Child Care, tattered and much taped, lasted through the first five children; I had to buy a new one for the younger two.”  —Mitchard is the author of Twelve Times Blessed and The Deep End of the Ocean and the mother of Jocelyn, 28, Rob, 21, Dan, 18, Marty, 15, Francie, 8, Mimi, 5, and Will, 1. —Po Bronson Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott “Prior to actually being a parent, but in the expecting phase, this book was—and remains—my favorite because it helped teach me that for the first year of my child’s life, I just need to give love and milk and shots, and I could do that.”  —Bronson is the author of What Should I Do With My Life? and the father of Luke, 4, and Thia, 9 months. —Mollie Katzen How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish “I learned from this book how to ‘play back’ to my daughter her gripes and upsets instead of judging the situation or trying to fix it.  This was especially challenging in cases where she was totally irrational (often!) and had trouble calming down.  My solution, as gleaned from Faber and Mazlish, was to become neutral in demeanor and to let her tell me as best she could what was bothering her.  I would then try to say the whole thing back to her, in a ‘let me see if I understand this correctly’ framework.  I could not believe the calming effect this had on my explosive child.  To have a parent listen and then replay her story, with eye contact, soft tone, and zero judgment, created an emotional salve.  She felt heard and validated.”  —Katzen is the author of The Moosewood Cookbook and Honest Pretzels and the mother of Sam, 20, and Eve, 13. —Michael Thompson, Ph.D. All Kinds of Minds by Mel Levine, M.D. “When our daughter, Joanna, was struggling and unable to read in first and second grade, she became frustrated, discouraged, and ultimately depressed.  As psychologists, my wife Theresa, and I had explained learning disabilities to other families, but we weren’t having success explaining them to our own child.  Mel Levine’s book gave us a way to read to Joanna stories about other children who suffered from different kinds of disabilities, some of which she had and many of which she didn’t.  It was a great relief for her and for us.  She felt relieved not to be the only kid (after all, there was a book written about kids like her).  The book made us feel less helpless in our struggle to comfort her.”  —Dr. Thompson is co-author of Raising Cain and Best Friends, Worst Enemies and the father of Joanna, 19, and Will, 14. —Jennifer Egan Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Mark Weissbluth, M.D. “I waited to have kids till I was older, and one of the hardest things about parenting was dealing with sleep deficiency over months and years.  This book was useful in helping me figure out how much sleep my children needed.  I thought my first kid didn’t need a lot of sleep because he wouldn’t nap much.  Weissbluth says there is no such kid.  The more a child sleeps, the more he wants to sleep.  This book taught me how sleep cycles should work, and sleeping became more healthful for my sons and for me.”  —Egan is the author of Look At Me and Emerald City and the mother of Emmanuel, 3, and Raoul, 1 1/2. —Cathi Hanauer and Daniel Jones The Seven Worst Things Parents Do by John C. Friel, Ph.D., and Linda D. Friel “Almost all the ‘worst things’ mentioned in this book were things that we were doing and that many parents of our generation do: baby your child, put your marriage last, be your child’s best friend.  The best-friend one particularly resonated with us.  All parents want their kids to like them, but his book taught us that kids need a parent much more than another friend.  It made us feel okay about not being perfect parents and offered suggestions to help without having to change our lives dramatically.”  —Hanauer is the editor of The Bitch in the House; Jones is the editor of The Bastard on the Couch.  They are the parents of Phoebe, 10, and Nathaniel, 6. —David Denby The Uses of Enchantment by Bruno Bettelheim “When my boys got older, this marvelous, imaginative book [about the meaning of fairy tales] really influenced how I thought about their learning.”  —Denby is the author of American Sucker and Great Books and the father of Max, 21, and Thomas, 17. —Hope Edelman Attachment Parenting by Katie Allison Granju “As a motherless mother, I tend to rely on parenting books for guidance.  This book was not only instructive but also a good resource, listing Web sites and groups that led me in useful directions.  I did a home birth for my second child, and this book is for parents who believe in the family bed and the importance of holding their kids, as I do.  In theory the advice was good, but in practice it was more difficult to implement than I expected.  The family bed was a failure for me as a working mother—I was dangerously sleep-deprived at work after eight months of nursing the baby all night long—but the book itself offered a type of community and encouragement for me that was invaluable.”  —Edelman is the author of Motherless Daughters and Motherless Mothers (in progress) and the mother of Maya, 7, and Eden, 3. —Jennifer Lauck Night Lights by Phyllis Theroux “Theroux was ahead of her time, a divine writer and mother with remarkable boundaries and a loving attitude.  In the last story in Night Lights, her youngest child has gone away to school and her older two have also left home.  She’s walking in her neighborhood where she’s raised her children and she realizes it’s done; there won’t be any more days of diapers or little hands reaching for her.  At the beginning of my mothering days, Theroux gave me a vision of what the end is going to be like.  It humbled me.  Even when parenting sometimes feels like an 18-year sentence, she impressed on me the value of savoring each precious moment and drinking it in.”  [Note: Night Lights is out of print but may be available at libraries and through used-book dealer.]  —Lauck is the author of Blackbird, Still Water, and Show Me the Way and the mother of Spencer, 7, and Josephine, 3. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Elizabeth Fishel is the author of several books about families, including Sister and I Swore I’d Never Do That.  Her favorite parenthood book is Jane Lazarre’s The Mother Knot.  Says Fishel:  “Lazarre’s book showed me the tangled connections between the way we were parented and the way we parent and suggested how to begin untangling those patterns across generations.” Media about Wendy Mogel 2005-03-01T22:53:07+00:00 http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/parents_discussion_guide_the_blessing_of_a_skinned_knee/ http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/parents_discussion_guide_the_blessing_of_a_skinned_knee/#When:14:57:00Z Download as a Word document. The Blessing of a Skinned Knee Parenting Group Guide Welcome! This on-line guide was developed to help parents who would like to participate in a parenting class using the concepts in The Blessing of A Skinned Knee as a foundation. There are many ways you can benefit from the ideas in the guide, however, and I invite you to use it for: Book club discussion groups Grade-level parent meetings at your child’s school Faculty in-service workshops Community center or neighborhood parent support groups Individual guidance while reading The Blessing of a Skinned Knee Setting Up A Parenting Class or Discussion Group If you’re interested in gathering a group of parents together to discuss issues of concern, below are some general guidelines you may find useful. Size & Participants Parent groups can range from a minimum of six members for informal parent support groups to up to twenty participants for professionally led parenting classes. With fewer than six members you run the risk that typical rates of attrition, plus one or two parents home with a sick child or a competing commitment, may leave the group with only two members – intimate but without the potential for the same vitality and shared learning that a larger group affords. My favorite group size is twelve. Classes work best when the parents have children in the same age range: early elementary, later elementary, middle school, or high school. When & Where Groups can meet in members’ homes, at synagogue, church or after drop-off or pick-up at school. Weekdays usually work best, but another good option is a Saturday or Sunday morning class that meets while children are in religious school. When possible—for example, if the class is sponsored by a synagogue or school—provision of on-site child care is a wonderful asset and will increase enrollment. Length & Frequency No matter how dedicated and enthusiastic, every group needs ten minutes for the arrival of stragglers and for settling in and warming-up. An hour and forty-five minutes to two hours is an ideal class length. With less time the class is not worth the effort of investing in child care and travel. Weekly meetings for six consecutive weeks work well for parenting classes with a designated leader and structured curriculum. Havurot (family friendship groups) and leaderless support groups often meet less frequently (biweekly or monthly) but continue for months or even years. I led one group that lasted for two years. My colleague, parent educator Marilyn Brown, has a continuously running class that began with mothers of new babies and toddlers and now consists of mothers of pre-teens. Rules For Parenting Groups No one would want to attend a parenting class that followed Roberts Rules of Order, but some guidelines for conduct and attendance will help things to run smoothly. During the first meeting, the group can decide whether or not a set of explicit guidelines is needed. Here are some rules other groups have adopted: Meeting times will be established during the first meeting and won’t be changed to accommodate the schedules of individual group members. No taping of the group for spouse or friends. Each group member is obligated to call if they are unable to attend and to leave a message with the leader or designated person in charge of organizational details. Since latecomers distract others, everyone will make the commitment to arrive on time. For classes held at the school attended by the children: the topics of the administration, teachers, and curriculum are off limits. Maimonides teaches us to rebuke and at the same time to elevate. Translated to parenting class etiquette, this means that we phrase comments in positive terms, do not criticize one another, and respect opinions that diverge from our own. Parents agree to keep what is said in the group confidential. Confessions, harangues and problems will not be repeated outside of the group. No one should be pressured to reveal anything about themselves or their family if they choose not to. If group members are responding to questions “around the table,” any member can decline to speak by saying, “I pass.” What Can You Expect From A Jewish Parenting Group? Martin Luther King, Jr. described the goal of his ministry as comforting the disturbed and disturbing the comfortable. A Jewish parenting class should also accomplish these goals. A Jewish parenting class examines the everyday challenges of child rearing from the perspective of the beit din (the ancient court of Jewish law). Every decision we make as parents has not only psychological dimensions but moral, ethical, and spiritual ones as well. Using a Jewish perspective to understand parenting problems gives us a long view and reveals the underpinnings of the problem, not just the surface cuts and scratches. In a Jewish parenting class, the goal is not to put a Band-Aid on the current difficulty—to simply comfort the disturbed—but to stretch ourselves by learning basic Jewish principles of living. You can expect to leave a Jewish parenting class with: A deeper understanding of Jewish thought Insight gained about your individual child: his or her temperament, natural endowments, interests, and inclinations Resources for finding basic information about different stages of your child’s social development An understanding about how certain aspects of our culture impede parents who are trying to raise self-reliant, compassionate, optimistic children Guidelines about defining appropriate expectations for children Insights about how your own psychological needs may be hampering your child’s growth A good Jewish parenting class is profound but never solemn or staid. Pilpul (from the Hebrew, “pepper”) is a dialectical method of Talmudic study and debate, consisting of drawing out the broadest range of logical possibilities in the text. The purpose of pilpul is both to deepen the participants’ understanding of the applications of the law and to sharpen their wits. Disagreements, laughter, tragic stories, laughter, juicy stories, laughter, teasing and tenderness — a good Jewish parenting class is peppery. CURRICULUM FOR A SIX SESSION PARENTING CLASS Each class has: a central topic one or two chapters of required reading to be completed before the class a reflection assignment to be thought about before the class a quote or quotes of the day to be written on a board or read aloud before each class a list of discussion questions that will be handed out at the beginning of each class Each member can download or photocopy this entire guide and review the reflection and discussion questions before each class. I’ve intentionally provided more questions than even the most ambitious and organized group can cover in a two-hour class. The leader or group members can select from among the questions listed based on each particular groups’ interests and concerns. Name tags should be provided for all participants for each session. SESSION ONE Topic Helping our children realize their potential without creating stress. Reading Assignment Chapter 1. How I Lost One Faith and Found Another Chapter 2. The Blessing of Acceptance: Discovering Your Unique and Ordinary Child Reflection Assignment Look at a photo album with pictures of you when you were your child’s age. Try to recall your natural interests and passions at that time. Think about how the expectations of your family and the environment you were living in helped these inclinations flourish or wither. Quotes of the Day “If your child has a talent to be a baker, do not ask him to be a doctor.” (Hasidic) “When I reach the world to come, God will not ask me why I wasn’t more like Moses. He will ask me why I wasn’t more like Zusya.” (Early Hasidic leader, Rabbi Zusya) Begin the first class with introductions around the table. Participants should tell the names, ages, and grades of their children and mention any topic they hope to cover in the course of the six meetings. Discussion Questions Think about your child’s talents, inclinations, passions? How would you describe his nature? Is he like you? Different in tempo, interests, volatility? What opportunities does he have to express his natural inclinations? Are there telltale signs (bedwetting, fears, apathy, irritability, sleeplessness, nail chewing, hair-pulling) that you may be pressuring your child to achieve at a high level in areas in which she is not endowed? Reflect on whether you are accepting “good enough” or looking for perfection from your child? From yourself as a parent? Think of a family where the kids have turned out well. Ask them for guidance about their expectations (for grades, for music practicing, for help around the house) of their children. Share what you learn with the group. Share strategies you’ve used for resisting the “flu bug” of competition with other group members. SESSION TWO Topic Granting our children freedom: Where do wise parents draw the line? Reading Assignment Chapter 3. The Blessing of Having Someone To Look Up To: Honoring Mother and Father Chapter 4. The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Why God Doesn’t Want You to Overprotect Your Child Reflection Assignment When you were growing-up how did you address your parents and their friends? How did you address teachers? If you were required to be more formal than your children are, what were the advantages and disadvantages? Think back to your childhood. On a summer night, were you able to play outside until dark without adult supervision? Could you ride your bike freely in your neighborhood? Recall the bones you broke, the adventures you had. What were the benefits of this degree of freedom? Any harm? Compare your experiences to your child’s current level of freedom. Quotes of the Day “When a person honors the parents, God says, ‘I consider it as though I lived with them and they honored me.’”(Talmud, Kiddushin, 30b) “Do not to put a stumbling block before the blind.” (Leviticus,19:14) Discussion Questions Take an inventory of honor by asking yourself these questions: Do you allow your children to interrupt you when you are on the phone? Do you have a designated place at the dinner table? Do the children sit in your place? Do your children consistently contradict you? Do they talk back to you in public? Do you give your children enough opportunities to help out? To demonstrate thoughtfulness? To take care of you? Do they respect your privacy? Do they enter your room or take your things without asking? Do your older children commandeer the remote? Tie up the phone line? Forget to give you phone messages they have taken? What are your family’s rules of hakhnasat orchim (hospitality to guests and playdates)? Compare your ideal to your real situation. Do you set an example in the way you treat your own parents? Share strategies around the table for combating rude talk and entitlement. Share consequences and rewards that have been effective. What creative ways have group members found to give children freedom while still keeping them safe? SESSION THREE Topic Giving and receiving. Reading Assignment Chapter 5. The Blessing of Longing: Teaching Your Child an Attitude of Gratitude Chapter 6. The Blessing of Work: Finding the Holy Sparks in Ordinary Chores Reflection Assignment When you were growing up, did you have as much stuff, clothes, books, vehicles, athletic equipment, and toys as your children do? Was the stuff in as many places in the house? Did your family try to repair things before replacing them? If yes, what lessons did this teach you? What chores did you do? How did you help your parents in other ways? What did you learn from having these responsibilities? What did you sacrifice? Quotes of the Day “He who has one hundred wants two hundred.” (Jewish saying) “Slavery is responsibility without authority.” (British psychoanalyst, W.R.Bion) Discussion Questions and Activities Make a list of those things you believe your child is entitled to and those that are privileges to be earned. Compare lists with other group members. Does your family have a ritual for expressing gratitude? Do you let your children know what makes you grateful towards them? Do you frequently lift your spirit by going shopping? How often do you buy something and then regret it or find you already have the same or a similar thing at home? Does your child know which charities to which you contribute? Does she know why you’ve chosen them? What chores does your child do daily? Weekly? Do you need to nag or remind? What methods have group members found to encourage their children to take initiative about helping out at home? SESSION FOUR Topic Discipline. Reading Assignment Chapter 8. The Blessing of Self-Control: Channeling Your Child’s Yetzer Hara Reflection Assignment Take a moment to think about the way your parents disciplined you. Were they laissez faire parents? Guilt inducing? Overcontrolling? Trial and error? What aspects of their techniques of discipline were constructive and helped you develop self-control and a sense of security? What aspects caused you to feel anxious or rejected? Quotes of the Day “Be it ever your way to thrust your child off with the left hand and draw him to you with the right hand.” (Talmud, Sotah 47z) “What is the normal child like? Does he just eat and grow and smile sweetly? No, that is not what he is like. A normal child, if he has the confidence of his mother and father, pulls out all the stops. In the course of time he tries out his powers to disrupt, to destroy, to frighten, to wear down, to waste, to wangle and to appropriate. Everything that takes people to the courts (or to the asylums for that matter) has its normal equivalent in infancy and childhood, in the relation of the child to his own home.” (Pediatrician and psychoanalyst, D.W. Winnicott) Discussion Questions Think of your child’s worst trait: anything from a little annoying habit or attitude to a big problem that has his teachers exasperated or deeply concerned. Then reframe it—think of this trait as your child’s greatest strength. What are the good aspects of the trait? How might it benefit your child now and in adulthood? Ask yourself which aspects of your child’s environment are obstacles to this trait being expressed positively: An overly busy schedule? Inappropriate expectations for school performance? Sleep deprivation? Poor organization of his room, desk, supplies? School work that is too difficult? Too easy? Not enough playtime or downtime? Examine your discipline strategy: Are you pumping up small problems? Being inconsistent? Making empty threats? Sticking with an ineffective approach? Share strategies with other group members for consequences for misbehavior and rewards for compliance and good attitude. SESSION FIVE Topic Food and eating. Reading Assignment Chapter 7. The Blessing of Food: Bringing Moderation, Celebration and Sanctification to Your Table Quotes of the Day “The Jewish mother betrays an unusual amount of concern about the problem of feeding her children. In general, she should stop worrying so much about how much they eat and what they wear.”  (A 1923 article in the Froyen Zhurnal, a Yiddish advice magazine for newly arrived immigrants) “Since the destruction of the Temple, every table in every home has become an altar.” (Talmud, Pesachim 4b) Reflection Activity What are your most pleasant childhood memories of the tastes, smells and presentation of food? What were your holiday food rituals? What are your least pleasant memories of food tensions or battles with your family? Discussion Questions Explore the attitudes towards food that you bring from your childhood. Did you grow up with destructive attitudes that you don’t want to pass along to your children? Are there memories you wish to preserve? Take an inventory of the example you set for your children. Do you eat leftovers from their plates? Do you eat standing up in front of the pantry where the crackers and cookies are kept? Do you frequently eat in the car? Are you so afraid of having fats and sugar in the house that you deprive the children of a normal range of foods? What are your children’s’ favorite foods? Do they know what foods you love? Are you teaching them how to cook? SESSION SIX Topic What are our goals in raising our children? Reading Assignment Chapter 9. The Blessing of Time: Teaching Your Child the Value of the Present Moment Chapter 10. The Blessing of Faith and Tradition: Losing Your Fear of the “G Word” and Introducing your Child to Spirituality Quote of the Day “If you truly wish your children to study Torah, study it yourself in their presence. They will follow your example. Otherwise they will not themselves study Torah, but will simply instruct their children to do so.” (Rabbi Menahem Mendel of Kotsk) Reflection Assignment As a child, how much time did you have to daydream and reflect? What activities did your family do together that you enjoyed? What religious education and worship experiences did you have as a child? In what ways did they enrich your life? Did you feel frustrated and oppressed by them? Confused? Discussion Questions Has your home life gotten so pressured that you often prefer to be at work? What would be the obstacles to a “tech free” (no computer, no beeper or cell phone) day of the week at home? What would be the benefits? What aspects of your childhood religion do you want to pass along to your children? A predictable cycle of ritual events and celebrations? A lens on right and wrong, fate and justice? Sounds, odors, tastes, and beautiful images? What was missing from your childhood experience that you would like to provide for your family? Does lack of skill or self-consciousness prevent you from taking part in religious rituals? What obstacles are in the way of finding a community that shares your religious or spiritual beliefs? Geography? Snobbery? Shyness? Finances? Class is over! Say goodbye, trade e-mail addresses, consider continuing your learning as a group by finding a rabbi or Jewish educator to teach you from Jewish texts or plan a parenting book discussion group using the list of recommended readings at the back of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. Articles by Wendy Mogel 2001-07-04T14:57:41+00:00 http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/remaking_the_grade/ http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/remaking_the_grade/#When:12:39:00Z What do those ratings you see at the wine store really mean? The A+ bottles get all the attention, but it’s the B students that provide some of the best values out there. By Lettie Teague Read this article on The Wall Street Journal website. THE WALL STREET JOURNAL March 2, 2013 BY LETTIE TEAGUE Remaking the Grade What do those ratings you see at the wine store really mean? The A+ bottles get all the attention, but it’s the B students that provide some of the best values out there. Photo Illustration by Jonathan Kantor for The Wall Street Journal ONE OF THE BIGGEST problems in education today is grade inflation and the devaluation of the B grade, according to education expert Wendy Mogel (“The Blessing of a B Minus”). “I travel around the country and hear high-school students say ‘I feel like my future is doomed’ if they get a B,” she said. Winemakers today might be excused for feeling the same way. The wine-rating equivalent of a B grade (85-89 points) can mean a wine might be hard to sell or might not show up on certain store shelves, especially when the competition scores 90 points or more. For example, when I asked Chad Watkins, assistant manager of Gary’s Wines in Wayne, N.J., to recommend “a few good 88-point wines,” he couldn’t help me since “90 is the lowest number on our rating filter.” Wine scores have come a long way since critic Robert M. Parker Jr., their most famous proponent, first popularized them decades ago in his Wine Advocate newsletter. Mr. Parker, inspired by Ralph Nader, wanted to empower consumers against the insular, elitist world of wine. As he says on the front of his newsletters today, “Scoring wines is simply taking a professional’s opinion and applying some sort of numerical system to it on a consistent basis. Scoring permits rapid communication to expert and novice alike.” (The 100-point system is really a 50-point system, as all wines earn 50 points simply for showing up.) Although the difference between an 88-point wine and a 90-point wine may seem like a fine distinction, “it’s the job of a critic to make fine distinctions,” said Thomas Matthews, executive editor of the Wine Advocate’s chief competitor, the Wine Spectator. “A wine with some distinctiveness and concentration is very good, in the 85-89 range. And if it’s a little better than that—if it has personality and some ageability—it’s outstanding. That’s a 90-94 point wine.” And what earns 95 and above? “If tasting the wine gives you an emotion—surprises you and teaches you something—then it’s an A-plus, over 95 points,” Mr. Matthews said. Distinctiveness and concentration are all well and good, but at K&L Wines in California, Burgundy buyer Keith Wollenberg says that if a wine received an 87, he isn’t likely to publicize the score. If it got a good review as well, Mr. Wollenberg might post the review without revealing the score. “The wine will sell better without the number,” Mr. Wollenberg said. It isn’t that Messrs. Matthews, Watkins and Wollenberg eschew the sub-90-pointers—in fact, Mr. Wollenberg said he drinks “a lot more 89-point wines” than he does 98-point wines. Wines at that lower number offer solid value and wide appeal, according to Mr. Wollenberg. And yet, it’s getting harder and harder for wine drinkers to find them. As Mr. Watkins observed, “It’s becoming rare to find a wine under 90 points.” Have wines actually gotten that much better, or has grade inflation become as common among wine critics as it has among high-school personnel? Consider the praise that Mr. Parker gives to wines that score in the 80s, in his newsletter: “...Such a wine, particularly in the 85-89 range, is very, very good; many of the wines that fall into this range often are great values as well. I have many of these wines in my personal collection.” Yet you’d be hard-pressed to believe that the high-scoring wine critic owns a stash of B’s. After all, Mr. Parker is far more famous for his 100-point scores than for his 88-point finds. By my count, he and his deputy critics awarded 78 wines perfect 100-point scores in his newsletter last year alone (most were awarded by Mr. Parker himself). By contrast, the Wine Spectator didn’t award a single 100-point score in 2012. The Wine Spectator has actually awarded fewer than a hundred perfect scores since the publication began using the point system, in 1985, Mr. Matthews said in a recent email. (Like the Wine Advocate, the Wine Spectator has individual critics who cover specific countries and regions—although almost every wine drinker and retailer refers to Wine Advocate numbers as “Parker” scores.) The Wine Spectator and the Wine Advocate are the two most powerful point sources in the wine industry, but there are many, many reviewers who use the 100-point system. A shortlist includes Stephen Tanzer (International Wine Cellar); Allen Meadows aka the Burghound; Claude Kolm (Fine Wine Review); the Wine Enthusiast; James Suckling; and Antonio Galloni, who recently announced his departure from the Wine Advocate to start his own website. Critics who score wines are more visible than critics who do not; and the bigger the number, the more likely it will be repeated somewhere. As Daniel Posner, owner of Grapes the Wine Shop in White Plains, N.Y., said, “If you slap 100-point scores on wines, retailers will start using your name.” Mr. Posner sells wines without scores via his email offerings to a devoted clientele but acknowledged than an email featuring a 100-point wine will guarantee much a greater response. Mr. Posner said he’s not a point advocate but simply a pragmatist. “I’m a businessman,” he said. “I have a family, and at the end of the day I have bills to pay.” Clearly, points are a boon for critics and retailers, but what of the winemakers? I contacted a famous Napa Cabernet producer whose wines have always scored very well. This vintner (who requested anonymity, fearing numerical retaliation) has turned out wines that have earned scores in the mid-90s for years. But it wasn’t until a wine garnered 97 points from the Wine Advocate that there was “a mad rush,” said the vintner, noting that nothing of the sort had happened with wines that scored 93, 94 or even 95 points. “It’s really a four-point scale—97, 98, 99, 100—that moves the market,” said the vintner. If collectors of high-price Cabernet require near-perfection before they will buy, what about regular drinkers purchasing less-fancy wine? Is there a number that moves them to action? I conducted a short, highly unscientific poll, and the answer came back over and over again: 90. “I’ll take a chance on a 90-point wine,” said one friend. “Even if I don’t what it is.” And if it was just a few points shy of that number? Probably not. The grading system offers the reassurance of a seemingly objective truth—but it also provides clarity of another sort. The language of wine can be arcane, and some descriptions may further bewilder. Take, for example, this Wine Advocate tasting note for the 2010 Bodegas Breca “Breca”: “Black raspberry, truffle, kirsch, lavender and liquid-rock-like characteristics. Astonishing.” You may not know what liquid rock tastes like or why it’s astonishing, but the wine costs only $16 and got 94 points. In exploring the validity of the grading system, I was tempted to seek out wines that scored 90 points or higher, but decided that would be too easy. I would go a few points lower and look for the B’s—the wines that offered value and were, in the words of Mr. Parker, very good. I decided to look for wines that had been rated 88 points. I bought some 20 bottles, ranging in price from $13 to $45, made from regions all over the world. They had one thing in common: Some critic somewhere had awarded each one 88 points. I asked a few wine-drinking (though not wine-collecting) friends to join me, including a former teacher turned administrator who usually only drank wines that scored “at least” 90 points. The tasting revealed some quite solid wines. None was astonishing, but a few were very good and most were priced very well. The A to Z Pinot Gris from Oregon, for example, was an excellent deal at $13.50. Ditto the Nebbiolo-Cabernet blend from Pio Cesare, as well as a lively red from Pic St. Loup that was a good buy at $16. (The former schoolteacher liked the Pio Cesare Oltre so much he awarded it a few extra points—thereby committing a small, private act of grade inflation.) The list of pleasing bottles went on and on, including a Washington-state Merlot, a Chianti Classico, a couple of Riojas and an Austrian Riesling. A few days later, I called Dr. Mogel. I told her about the B tasting—and my fear that some very good wines were being overlooked by drinkers chasing higher scores. I wondered if Dr. Mogel thought the value of the B grade would ever be restored. She said she’s pessimistic—there’s so much negative emotion attached to the grade. For her part, however, she’s a big fan of B students: “They’re more varied, more colorful and often more interesting.” If only wine drinkers could be convinced.       Media about Wendy Mogel 2013-03-02T12:39:49+00:00 http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/why_secrets_matter_to_children/ http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/why_secrets_matter_to_children/#When:19:45:00Z SPRING 2013 Why Secrects Matter to Children BY WENDY MOGEL In chapter two of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, “Our Gang’s Dark Oath,” seven boys unhitch a skiff — that I’m sure did not belong to them — and “pulled down the river two mile and a half, to a big scar on the hillside and went ashore.” Led by Tom Sawyer, they clamber through the underbrush and into a small cave where, with their faces lit by candlelight, they agree to join Tom Sawyer’s Gang — a self-declared band of dangerous robbers — and swear an oath of secrecy. As Mark Twain puts it: Everybody was willing. So Tom got out a sheet of paper that he had wrote the oath on, and read it. It swore every boy to stick to the band, and never tell any of the secrets; and if anybody done anything to any boy in the band, whichever boy was ordered to kill that person and his family must do it, and he mustn’t eat and he mustn’t sleep till he had killed them and hacked a cross in their breasts, which was the sign of the band…And if anybody that belonged to the band told the secrets, he must have his throat cut, and then have his carcass burnt up and the ashes scattered all around, and his name blotted off of the list with blood and never mentioned again by the gang, but have a curse put on it and be forgot forever. In a contemporary setting, if, say, one of the boys had broken the oath, recorded the gathering, and posted it on Facebook, Tom Sawyer and his gang would be in a heap of trouble. But the truth about this secret gathering is that the boys weren’t actually committing to a life of robbery; they were committing to each other, to the exhilaration of a private moment — in the book, there is no evidence that the gang ever meets again — and to a fantasy of imagining themselves valiant adventurers. Parental anxiety runs high these days, especially in light of the abuse of children by adults. Secrecy may seem an old-fashioned luxury in a world where a football coach, boy scout troop leader, or priest might ask your child “not to tell.” Parents want transparency, to have access to knowledge of everything that happens when their children are not on their watch. And independent schools, for the most part, are willing to oblige them with rapid response emails or phone calls about playground scrapes and classroom conflicts, and through Web portals, like the poetically named Illuminate, that give parents up-to-the-minute access to details of their child’s day. But a certain level of secrecy — what I’ll call joyful secrecy, as opposed to shameful or scared secrecy — is an essential part of growing up. Even in our nervous world, healthy child development still requires it. Joyful secrecy doesn’t hurt anyone. Like surprise parties, or the hidden methods of a magic trick, it leads to happy outcomes. As children move out into the wider world, temporary tribes with secret dares and oaths help them feel both bold and protected. Children who banter with each other, who negotiate an ever-changing set of rules for made-up games are exploring the pivotal stage of child development that Harry Stack Sullivan, the great theorist of interpersonal relations, calls “chumship.” Secret languages and codes, private jokes, wild bravado, and silliness are an exercise in creativity and imagination. They provide a breather from the formal structure of the classroom, the after-school enrichment activity, or the sports team. In order for kids to have an opportunity for joyful secrecy, adults need to recognize its value, turn off scare-mongering newscasts, and give kids the opportunity to connect with each other without vigilant surveillance. This can happen in school, at the park, at a sleepover, at camp, on a family vacation, or by spending the whole night in a tent in the backyard. It’s important for parents to stay closely involved in their children’s lives and to share experiences with them. We want them to know that they can turn to us or to trusted teachers about the kind of secrets that cause pain. But we also need to give kids a certain amount of space — their space. We can know our kids well without knowing everything they do. When I talk to groups of parents, I ask them to raise their hands if they were able to play outside on summer nights until dark with no adult knowing where they were. Nearly every hand goes up. How many of you did things your parents didn’t know about? Same response. And still don’t know? Same. And how many of you don’t regret it? Again, nearly every single one. Articles by Wendy Mogel 2013-03-01T19:45:08+00:00 http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/new_years_resolution_be_a_more_neglectful_parent_the_washington_post/ http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/new_years_resolution_be_a_more_neglectful_parent_the_washington_post/#When:11:00:00Z By Tracy Grant Read this article on The Washington Post website. THE WASHINGTON POST January 2, 2013 New Year’s resolution: Be a more NEGLECTFUL parent BY TRACY GRANT It’s the second day of the new year, which means — if you’re like me — that the resolution of being a better, more understanding, more perfect parent in 2013 was broken sometime before New Year’s Day dinner. So I offer up an alternate resolution for the rest of the 2013: Be a more neglectful parent. I’m not actually advocating neglect — just a little less hovering, a little less worrying, a little less intervening. If we give it a try, we might just wind up with less gray hair and better relationships with our kids by year’s end. I do not, for one minute, posit that this is an easier resolution to keep than being a more perfect parent. In fact, it may be harder. At least society supports the notion of perfect parenting. Mention in the carpool line that you intend to be a more neglectful parent in 2013 and face being unfriended. You can blame Wendy Mogel, a clinical psychologist and author of the parenting books “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee” and “The Blessing of a B-” for giving me this harebrained notion. I mean, the woman wrote about a B- being okay. How much more counterculture can you get? I spoke to Mogel recently about following the path to more neglectful parenting. Here’s what she suggests: 1. Don’t assume the worst. “We have become a society of good parents gone bad: loving, devoted, intelligent parents who keep saying to themselves ‘what if. . . ’ ” Mogel says. The reality is that this biological imperative toward overprotection — think mama lion on the African savanna — is not well-suited for 21st century life. “But still we use those same instincts to make sure our kid gets the best second-grade teacher or makes the right soccer team. It’s a little crazy,” Mogel says. 2. Don’t make your children assume the worst. Children live in a very different world from adults and that’s sometimes hard to remember. “Children aren’t nervous until we make them nervous,” Mogel says. So the antidote to assuming the worst is to spend time seeing the world as your child does — at any age. “Babies are mesmerized by lights. As a parent, you see lights in a new way when you have a baby,” she says. “. . . With teenagers, you had better have seen Gangnam Style by now. It’s not a coincidence that it’s the most-viewed YouTube video. It’s so inventive, so hilarious, so delightful.” Children give us the chance to see the world as a less hostile place, but we have to open our eyes to those possibilities. 3. You don’t want to be your child’s best friend. This idea never would have occurred to our parents, Mogel points out, noting that our parents may have struggled to correctly answer what grade we were in. Today, many parents can recite their children’s class schedule, teachers’ names and grades by heart. “We take their emotional temperature all the time, and if they’re unhappy, we’re unhappy,” she says. Mogel warns that we take our children’s lives too personally, in a way that isn’t healthy for them or for us. 4. Get outside. Want to engage in quality time with your child? Take a hike — together as a family. Even if it’s cold out. Mogel is a big fan of Richard Louv’s “Last Child in the Woods” (Algonquin Books, $15), a book about the power of using our five senses in a three-dimensional world that cannot be experienced on a tablet or in front of a wide-screen TV. It’s also a wonderful way to see the world through your children’s eyes. And if you’re the parent of a teenager, what starts out as a replication of the Bataan Death March might actually lead to some real conversation and — gasp — laughter. 5. Find another neglectful parent. Finally, support on this journey is critical. So Mogel advises finding “another somewhat neglectful parent; a person who refuses to overprotect, overindulge and overschedule” their child. On her Web site, Mogel has created a 13-step program called Overparenting Anonymous. It’s wise and witty and the concept of having a “sponsor” is empowering. After all, neglectful parents of the world must unite! Media about Wendy Mogel 2013-01-02T11:00:42+00:00 http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/school_shooting_how_parents_can_help_their_children_cope/ http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/school_shooting_how_parents_can_help_their_children_cope/#When:20:45:00Z By Tracy Grant Read this blogpost on The Washington Post website. December 14, 2012 By Tracy Grant School shooting: How parents can help their children cope What should parents do this weekend to help their children cope with the Connecticut school shooting? “Turn off the television,” said David Finkelhor, director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire. If weekend plans include decorating a Christmas tree, having a play date or attending a holiday concert, all of those things should go on as planned. Both Finkelhor and Wendy Mogel, a clinical psychologist and author of two books on parenting, warned against parents transferring their anxiety about the shooting to their children. “Don’t feel the need to overshare,” Mogel advised. “The reality is this kind of thing is very, very rare. Schools are the safest place kids can be; much safer than being at home,” Finkelhor said. In 2010, the last year for which there are statistics, 17 children were killed in schools in the United States, according to Finkelhor. That accounted for less than 2 percent of all child-related homicides that year, he said. So what should parents do and what are some of the signs that their children are upset? * Have a discussion (and this is the important part) if you think your kids need it. “Answer their questions, but don’t dwell on it,” Finkelhor said. Part of any discussion must include telling children “that schools are very, very safe places ... kids need to know that” to calm their concerns, he said. * Don’t be afraid to not have a conversation. “I wouldn’t go out of my way to talk about this if you don’t think your child has heard about and seen something about” it, Finkelhor added. Or as Mogel put it, parents don’t need to “make sure our kids find out the worst about human nature and our society” at an extremely young age. * Do what you normally do. “Routines are extremely important to kids, especially when there has been any kind of trauma,” Mogel said. And don’t let them see you upset. Mogel echoes the “turn off the TV” advice, adding “don’t let kids hear you talking about it all the time.” That will only add to their anxiety. * Don’t expect your child to have a bad reaction. “You don’t want to cross-examine your child about how he is feeling about this news,” Mogel said. “Have the conversation and then just observe them for any signs of distress.” * What are some signs that your child is upset? “For younger kids, you’ll see difficulty sleeping, tummy aches, headaches,” Mogel said. If your child shows those signs, “then more reassuring discussion is in order,” she added. * Talk about bigger issues with older kids. Discussions about “political issues, gun safety and how laws and society protect us” can be a good way for parents and teenagers to have productive conversation about the tragedy, Mogel said. Media about Wendy Mogel 2012-12-14T20:45:19+00:00 http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/back-to-school_gifts_really/ http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/back-to-school_gifts_really/#When:21:42:00Z By Heidi Stevens Read this article on The Chicago Tribune website. August 7, 2012 Back-to-school gifts? Really? Your daughter’s friends get back-to-school gifts from their parents. Can you resist this trend without guilt? By Heidi Stevens Parent Advice (from our panel of staff contributors) Yes, with pleasure. Going back to a good school where friends and great experiences abound is gift enough. Plus, I think we are on gift/treat overload with our kids. It’s not a gift or treat if it’s a habit and it robs them of the feeling of pleasure at receiving them. Which is not a gift at all. — Wendy Donahue Going back to school can be really stressful for kids, which manifests itself in crankiness, self-doubt and fatigue. Summer is over, they’re wearing uncomfortable, uncool clothes, and they’re loaded down with a ton of books and supplies and massive expectations. If there ever was a time to help her chill out, this is it. So instead of material gifts, help her get though the next couple of weeks as stress-free as possible. Favorite dinners, family movie nights, games, walks, whatever she likes to do to relax. Also, give her some space and take it easy on the discipline, if possible, until she gets in a groove and feels like things are going OK. I think she’d appreciate those things more than anything bedazzled. — Michael Zajakowski Expert Advice A back-to-school gift is likely purchased for one of two reasons: to console a child on summer ending or to express pride and joy at the entry into a new grade. They’re both problematic, says clinical psychologist Wendy Mogel, author of “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee” (Scribner). “External reward reduces intrinsic motivation,” she says. “It communicates to the student that the parent might feel a little bad about the student going back to school, which is actually the student’s job, (and) that there’s some bribery needed, instead of a matter-of-fact, direct, robust transition from the delight of summer to the opportunity for learning and fellowship” that comes with school. This apology of sorts also transfers kids’ healthy share of responsibilities to the shoulders of their parents. “In trying to sweeten the deal for kids, we actually communicate to them we feel that certain very ordinary responsibilities are kind of hardships,” Mogel says. “Then kids think, ‘It’s not my homework, it’s yours. It’s not my problem with this less-than-doting teacher, it’s yours. It’s not my problem with this group of kids, it’s yours.’” If the gift is presented in a celebratory vein, it sets up a different set of challenges. “We get in this cycle of graduations with a cap and gown from kindergarten and celebrations for graduating middle school and what happens when you win the Nobel Prize?” Mogel laughs. “Everything is a comedown from how much celebrating we’ve been doing. Yes, you’re going into third grade. That’s what happens after second grade.” When you find the resolve to take a pass, guilt-free, on this trend, prepare for the inevitable, “But McKenna’s mom and dad …” to which you can reply: “We can afford all kinds of things and there are all kinds of other things we can’t afford. Some of your friends’ families have different-size budgets or different values. I know it’s hard when you see your friends getting that third American Girl doll, but if you’re still longing for one in a few months, that would be a great birthday present to ask for,” she suggests. Media about Wendy Mogel 2012-08-07T21:42:25+00:00 http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/skinned_knees_are_more_than_ok_theyre_the_whole_point/ http://www.wendymogel.com/articles/item/skinned_knees_are_more_than_ok_theyre_the_whole_point/#When:20:28:00Z By Vince Watchorn JEWISH VOICE & HERALD OF RHODE ISLAND JULY 2012 ‘Skinned Knees’ are More Than OK; They’re the Whole Point! BY VINCE WATCHORN Last Fall, the New York Times Magazine published a cover story called “What if the Path to Success is Failure?” [Paul Tough, September 14, 2011]. The educational community went into a frenzy; for weeks conversations were driven by this ‘new’ concept.  Clinical psychologist and Jewish educator Wendy Mogel beat the Times to the punch by more than a decade in her famous The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children. What better time of year to revisit this theme than just before the Class of 2012 heads off to their new chapters; to college, to their own lives. Mogel guides parents towards raising self-reliant children. “According to Jewish thought,” she writes, “parents should not expect their children to be anyone other than who they are. A Hasidic teaching says, ‘If your child has a talent to be a baker, don’t tell him to be a doctor.’” In her equally thoughtful follow-up, The Blessing of a B Minus, she warns against succumbing to the idea that every child must be “above average.” She reminds us that making mistakes is essential to a child’s ability to face bigger adversities later in life, and that parents have to resist the urge to intervene and rescue. Her theory is supported by other cognitive scientists, too.  In Dan Willingham’s informative and readable Why Students Don’t Like School, [Jossey Bass, 2009] he professes that, from a cognitive standpoint, “It is virtually impossible to become proficient at a mental task without extended practice.”  Anders Ericsson determined in a study popularized by Malcolm Gladwell [Outliers, Little, Brown & Co, 2008] that it is those people who practice for about 10,000 hours who develop mastery of a given skill.  Willingham expands that practice is important because of the experimentation inherent in the process.  By trying different solutions to see what works and what doesn’t, we gather the “negative examples” – or mistakes – that we need to learn any concept. Does it not then make sense that experiencing the anatomy of error–accepting fault, reflecting on a mistake, and focusing on alternate solutions or future improvement—will help build a working expertise on handling the larger challenges life will dole out later on?  The irony is rich: by over-assisting our kids through Mogel’s ‘skinned knees,’ we can actually inhibit their ability to address proverbial broken bones later in life.  Most of us probably want our students to navigate life as people of high character.  Yet their success is so desirable – and hovering now so easy through the ubiquity of electronic communication—that we might forget the most meaningful lessons are often found in how adversity is handled. Mogel calls her philosophy “compassionate detachment,” which she defines as “viewing the upsetting aspects of adolescence as normal and necessary — as blessings that represent healthy growth.  Parents can put them in perspective and react thoughtfully instead of impulsively.”  The formative years of college provide some of the best opportunities for learning—not just about academia, but about life: about the humbling failure and confidence-building success.  The collegiate who can’t – or won’t – self-advocate or accept responsibility because of hovering parental involvement doesn’t become proficient at the mental task of success.  Conversely, s/he is under-practiced for coping with difficulty. So as parents and educators prepare students to meet the challenges of the coming school year, our instinct may be to try to sweep all the obstacles out of the child’s way.  It is understandable.  We want to show love and extend privilege.  The freshman year is a perfect time to watch the success of parental and educational impact forge into independence and individuality; not to hover, but to let go and let shine the responsibility we’ve spent years teaching them. A strong partnership between parent and school has probably built a great foundation for their decision-making. Throughout our lives, we need our parents and mentors.  We need their support and love; the relationship grows and changes with the many turns and twists of life, but the job done in childhood and adolescence lasts a lifetime.  There may be times when rescue is needed; but Wendy Mogel reminds us….over an emergency, not over a skinned knee.  Our greatest gift to the Class of 2012 may be to know the difference.     Media about Wendy Mogel 2012-07-01T20:28:29+00:00